Friday and a Bottle of Wine

I am home alone on a Friday night and completely enjoying it. Is that warped? I have Michael Buble on the stereo, a bottle of decent wine, and a halfway clean house. I think I am tipsy. By myself. Is there a better way to be?

Ironically, I had forgotten what good company I am.

Here’s an update: Tomorrow I have to deal with the X and the girlfriend together at a family event (son’s hockey tourney) for the first time. Other mom’s are rallying around me, but still, this could be interesting. I am more concerned that I will have to see my former father-in-law. That would seriously hurt. Yuck. I’ll roll with whatever, I guess.

Today I feel very free. I walk through my house and feel like it is mine, for the first time. I am taking ownership. It could be that my paycheck is finally at a point where I might be solvent once I refinance (with child support, of course). You know, like be, middle class again. Won’t that be weird?

I have come to some conclusions regarding my vocation. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. Forgive my language, please. Normally it’s pretty good. But not now. Someone pointed out a position I “should” apply for with the Chamber of Commerce. My response? It would take too much focus. Too much emotional investment, which I simply do not have to give. Not now. I am recovering from too much bullshit. I will get there; I will take the world by storm in whatever capacity I choose to. Later. Not now. Now I am breathing. Whether I want to be or not – that’s what it has turned into. Yeah, I know. I’m 36. But I married young and stayed with it for a variety of reasons and am now completely BROKEN. Not emotionally wrecked – been there, done that…but BROKEN.

Remember the movie The Breakfast Club? The science geek – the one that sits in the back and plays with his spoon – sticking it to his nose while muttering “who am I?”…Yeah, well, that’s me. I feel like that on a regular basis. I think about him every couple of weeks…and always as a representation of how I feel. Maybe I should tell my new shrink this and see what she makes of it.

Mr. Boyfriend? He loves me. He is tickled I am getting counseling. I just want to jump him.

No, seriously.

Ok, ok. Bartender! Cut ‘er off!!!

Who the hell knows. I worry I am repeating my high school hell. But then, I know this is a good man, so I can’t be. But I can be, at the same time, because isn’t that why I’m going into therapy?

Shit. How ‘bout this? I like him. There are problems. Who’s, I dunno. But I have liked and respected him for years. He has issues. He admits it (recently, again). Who knows? Maybe together we can work through some of them, like, maybe FRIENDS.  This topic makes me defensive. I’m hanging up now…

As for the X – he’s wacko. Still. I can’t even bother trying to figure what he’s doing. Several weeks ago I told him it was time to get over me. I did! I reviewed our email contact and it was constant – considering the man dragged me into court just to make me talk to him. And I told him that since he was involved with someone else, I was in love with someone else, and gee, we were divorced…it was time for him to let me go. Get over me.

I tried it the nice way first, a couple of weeks before that. I asked him if we could begin to behave like divorced people – meaning maybe contact once a week or less. It didn’t work. He was an ass, I said what I said and NOW I get relatively little contact. In fact, he’s using the kids as a go between – which is ridiculous, but you know, whatever.

Tonight he calls and wants to talk about his oldest child. What a doorknob. His oldest child says that her relationship with her father is dead. She says her best friends father is more of a father to her than her own. She is correct. And now the X wants to talk to me about her? He says she needs to be in counseling. At some point, yes. But what we all need is a BREAK from the trauma. A BREAK from the chaos. What my children need is to BE CHILDREN.  To be self-centered and not centered on their parents DYSFUNCTION.  Hello!!!  She refuses counseling. She has stopped cutting. Her grades are improving (constant email contact with her teachers)…

But, gee, lets talk, Mr. Ex-Husband. I don’t wanna. He never listened anyway. He isn’t about to now. I guess that’s the tactic I should try… listening to HIM. Again. Yuck. Ick. And Pooh. Bluck.

Signing off now – taking a shower. Moving on.

After a Lifetime, It Hits the Fan

I made an appointment today with the counselor my oldest daughter went to for several months. It’s for next week.

This last week, since Valentine’s Day, has been very tough.  Mr. Boyfriend and I have talked, but remain broken up. We are doing a radio show together starting in the next month and have been friends for too long to toss it completely. But it is apparent that I am NOT ready for a relationship.

Oddly enough, it is not the situation with Mr. Boyfriend which has been weighing on my mind. I felt violated by his entrance into my home on Valentine’s Day, I knew the gifts were from him, but I felt like the ex had been in my house, I suppose, because of the sense of violation I attribute to him. I remained in this sort of emotional flashback until Friday. At which point I met with Mr. Boyfriend and we confronted each other. Even that didn’t get to me.

But somewhere along the line I started to think about my brother’s three failed marriages and the fact that I stayed in an abusive marriage for 15+ years.  My brother and I, we are getting something out of this garbage…what?

I have decided that it is most likely an inability to be close to someone. Truly close. One must be vulnerable and safe to be intimate with another human, and I doubt he or I ever truly make ourselves vulnerable – we never feel safe enough to do that. We can never be intimate – it’s a vicious cycle. Gee, where did we learn this?

And then I started remembering all the things I thought I’d put away on a shelf – violence with my father, my mothers choice to stay with him regardless of what went on…

Before I met my husband I was working on these things. In counseling. I have had so much counseling over the years in an effort to fix me and therefore fix my marriage. I am sad. My marriage was perfect for me – it kept me from getting too close to anyone. But now I am out of it and someday I want to be truly intimate with someone.  I need to look at this garbage. I need to drag it all out.

I have moments where I feel pretty good. I know I am moving on with my life now. I know I am doing what I should be doing. Putting one foot in front of the other. And then I have moments like now, where I finally cry for all the shit that I allowed. The biggest betrayal of all was done by me.

Mr. Boyfriend Exits...Again?

I recently started watching Sex and the City by the season. I think it's funny that there is a Mr. Big and a Mr. Boyfriend in the world. Men without names. I caught myself calling Mr. Boyfriend exactly that a couple of times - to his face and to other people.

Wouldn't much make a difference, I suppose. I like keeping it to myself - and sharing it with you, but it going no further.

I've been utterly miserable. I went and saw my pastor/friend/counselor. Mr. Boyfriend had suggested that I needed counseling to deal with the Ex's abuse. I checked. Basically, I would use a counselor as a support system and chat with them about daily life. I don't need it. I just need to heal. I need time to trust. I was delighted to have this confirmed. I'm ok. It's just that I was used and abused and rejected. Those are my friends words. It'll take a while, and ten years from now I may still flip occasionally because of something very small.

I haven't talked with him, but Mr. Boyfriend told me earlier this week that he can not handle this. Valentine's Day was the final straw, I think. I am very sad.

We've been down this break up road a number of times so I probably shouldn't feel like I do. People scoff at me. But in actuality, this feels different. He feels gone.

I am struggling with my insecurities. Does he feel about me the way I feel about him? I don't think so. We've been friends for so many years...I actually think I was SAFE. There is that dreaded word, which should be a positive, but is a negative here. I was safe because he knew he couldn't fall in love and completely lose his head with me. I think. I don't know, you see, because that is the nature of insecurities...you don't know whether they are real or not.

It's depressing. I am lonely. I've had lunch with two friends this week, coffee with my pastor/friend/counselor, been extremely busy with work, attended two hockey games (which are great fun), had several long conversations with girlfriends ...and I still miss Mr. Boyfriend. I miss snickering at his jokes. Laughing at his messages. Smiling when he's sweet. Pulling my hair out when he says dumb things about other men. I just miss him, period.

I'm mooning over some damn man and can't even get up the gumption to be disgusted with myself.

Emotional Growth or More of the Same?

Alright, here. I'm going to dive right in with a bit from a letter I recently sent a friend of mine. It's heavy. Only continue reading if you want to get mud on the hem of your coat or skirt or pants or whatever it is you might hypothetically be wearing.

"Since I have experienced both infidelity and abuse I compared the way the two feel. Infidelity? It's like having your insides ripped out. It's like losing your mind for brief periods. It's agony. It's someone squeezing your heart until you can't take it anymore. It's feeling compared to other men or woman and coming up short and NEVER EVER being able to kill that feeling that maybe you just aren't enough. It's fear.

Abuse? At the end of the cycle (years into it), it's all about controlling things so they don't get to that point. And then when they do, it's your fault because you failed to control the environment. The moment of contact, whether it's a hand wrapped around a throat, a head bashed into a wall or a door...it's relief. It's the inevitable. Your life flashes before your eyes because you know that this might be the moment you accidentally die. He wouldn't intend to kill you, it would be an accident. But it could happen. Blame. You are to blame for what happens because you did something which made him that mad. It really is that simple. So you take responsibility for it. Later, when he decides he wants to be intimate, you cry. There is no way you can get anything out of it. Your limbs are nearly frozen and you have to tell yourself to loosen up. He quit apologizing years ago. He is simply taking. It is not as if your heart is being squeezed, not as if you've lost your mind, not like infidelity. It's like having your soul sucked out of your body and being left in your body anyway, trapped. It's like being left behind.

I would rather deal with infidelity any day. I can say that, having dealt with both. At least you feel alive when someone is cheating on you. You know you are because you hurt so much. But with abuse you have to force yourself to go dead inside. And pretend. "

Did You Think I Was Kidding?

Mr. Boyfriend brought me flowers and candy and a necklace on Valentines Day. He knows how to get into my house when no one is home - and this is ok. I'm the one that showed him. I came into the house at 5:45 and these things were on the kitchen table. I think I've been having a flashback ever since. Seriously. Not a delusionary sort of flashback, but one where I get stuck in a certain feeling. It was ok that he did what he did. But I am funny about my space. The ex terrorized me - I never left my house over night for fear he would come in and do SOMETHING - and I learned from experience that he WOULD. So I'm goofy about my house. Mr. Boyfriend did not realize this. So, I tried to set my feelings aside - but first I asked him if it was in fact HIM that came in (no card) and this upset HIM. How many men are in my life? (And he's off...)

(Sigh.) I tried to say "thank you" without letting the fact that I was weirding out get in the way and failed. So now we are dealing with this. Seperately. He doesn't get it. I can't explain it. I don't really WANT to explain it. I just want it ALL TO GO AWAY!!! But, of course, I know it won't.

So I wrote the above to him, to try to explain the differences in the experience. Somehow writing it helped. It reminded me that I no longer live that way. I am nolonger trapped.

What Else Is There?

I just am not doing well. c.f. said something in his comment about me being strong. I don't get that. I am not. I am weak. There. I've said it. I stayed with this asshole for 16 years. Had he not LEFT me for another women, I would have continued with the charade indefinitely. I am not strong. I'm a dipshit. That's what I am. Look - even my language is taking a nose dive.

My house, it's a disaster again. It's depressing. My job - it's the dumbest thing on the face of the earth, but still I am enjoying it. I think the reason I enjoy it is it provides me time to think and is social enough that I can pretend I'm really happier than I am.

So I called my pastor/counselor/friend and told him I needed help. He literally told me he'd catch me if I fell. I love that man. No one else has ever said that to me and meant it. And I know for a fact that he would do everything in his power to do exactly what he said he would. He cares.

So there has to be more than this. There has to be more then getting up, going to work, taking care of kids and doing it again and again and again. My life seems to be losing meaning. That's a bad thing. Is this a further consequence of divorce? I think so. Not divorce, but the stuff which I've been through. I am not strong. I'm dim witted. I am not on my feet yet. I pretend I am. But I'm not. And I'm beginning to wonder if I ever will be.

The Angry Woman

What I don't want to become is the typical angry single mother. I really don't. I don't want to become cynical. But I find myself heading there. That frightens me. I want to remain somewhat innocent. I want to see the good in people. I want to be enthusiastic and encouraged and delighted to be alive. But instead I feel...down. Depressed. Frightened. Alone. Angry. Tired.
I need an injection of SOMETHING. Tequila, anyone?

(And with that, I'm taking a leap and publishing without spell checking - how do you like that donnavera? I imagine the thought makes you cringe :-)

Life Gets Serious

And She Does It Again

Mr. Boyfriend and I remained in disagreement all week, until Friday afternoon when I decided it was time to have it out. I called and we argued and talked and listened to each other. My mother came up to stay with my children (Mr. Boyfriend and I had plans to run away for the weekend) and still I did not know what the state of things were between us.

The end result is that we went away and relaxed and worked through a few things.

I realized a few days ago what had me completely freaked out. I suddenly started looking at Mr. Boyfriend as stepparent material. That added a whole new dimension to things. From out of nowhere I was shopping for a step dad for my children and his ability to fill those shoes became confusingly important.

Inside, of course, I was screaming…. WHOA!!!!  HOLD UP THERE, BABE!!!

But nonetheless, suddenly I was just like every other single female with kids, struggling to do it all cheerfully. Looking for some male to save me. And it seriously freaked me out. Bad decisions can be made for those reasons alone. My internal response was simple: “YUCK. I do NOT want to be doing this.”

The argument between Mr. Boyfriend and I is complicated and I’m not going to get into it all. What IS worth writing about is my reaction to this whole stepparent issue. What a huge deal this is to me. I am horrified that I am even in this position. Blending families, dealing with other people’s children, expecting some one else to understand my own children’s problems and my own flaws as a parent….YUCK.  Fighting with someone about parenting? About my children? About their children? Knowing when to open my mouth, shut my mouth, expect them to know the same? (Groan.)

Mr. Boyfriend and I only briefly touched on this. We have yet to seriously have a conversation about it. But it’ll be easier now. My anxiety level was pretty high there for a while. I felt like I SHOULD be at a place where I opened up my life to him, gave my children the opportunity to benefit from my relationship with him…but guess what? No. I don’t have to be there.  I just don’t have the energy to fight through the things that might need to be fought through. Between the two of us we have six children. With the exception of both our middle children, our kids are very challenging. Our relationship is not at a point where it could take that sort of challenge. And our children do not deserve to be hurt by getting close to another adult, only to lose them again.

This, I think, is his stance, also. I don’t know yet. I only know that when we talk about it, the decision as to how to proceed will be a mutual one, not one dictated by either one of us.

Men and Kids

Mr. Boyfriend and I broke up last night. Over kids. I feel very confused. He said that he would never go down this road again, where the woman didn’t see the man as important. That my kids run my life.

I find this depressing. It’s probably true. But there is a reason for that. I’m all they have. I’m it.

I did not defend myself. I didn’t really say much at all. Other than to tell him I would prefer to talk about things and that I refused to fight about it.

And inside of me, I was having the most uncharitable thoughts. I was considering the fact that it is easy to criticize when one has not actually been on call 24/7 all by themselves. I really do not know the answer.

What I DO know is that the task of raising my children has fallen solely to me.  The X visits with them (two of the three) every other week.  This is my first chore.  I would love to fall in love and have a partner. I am only beginning to see how that might look. But not for the sake of having another parent around.

What I’m really avoiding is dealing with how I feel. Which is despair. Acceptance of my situation. Acceptance of the possibility that this is all about Mr. Boyfriend. Acceptance of the idea that it might be all about me.  Whatever it is, here I am. I wondered in the last few weeks if it was truly “there” between Mr. Boyfriend and I.

Frankly, when he started talking about self-esteem he started saying things in relation to me. Wanting me to get my hair permed. To go shopping with me for clothes. I began to feel like project. Part of me disengaged at that point. A small part.  I am healthy enough to know that whomever I am with needs to be with me because they LIKE me, not because they LIKE me but believe I need tweaking.  !!! I once had a boyfriend who did that – regarding clothes and hair, etc…one day I woke up and couldn’t take it anymore. I missed myself.  And in order to get back to being me I had to lose him.

This situation is a little more complicated…I don’t want the process of my evolution stunted again.

At any rate, I feel abandoned. Worse, I feel inadequate. Again. It’s the feeling of inadequacy that I am running from. And tremendous hurt that the fact that I have children could make someone turn from me. Someone that I loved.  And this time, I really don’t think it’s going to change. If it does…how will I feel? I don’t know. I feel altered somehow. Shocked. But altered.

Single Parent Hell Number Two

Single Parent Hell Revisited

I want to respond to a reader’s comment regarding my previous post. First, I have to say this…I am the worlds most disorganized person.  I attempt to counter this with dedicating entire notebooks to lists that I make.  Or did anyway. Now, lists simply stress me out. I use my daily planner, plug in the essentials and a few of the extras and go for it. I used to be a huge list maker. When I had time to actually do anything on the list. Now I make a list and freak out because I’m not getting anything on it done. I used to be sure this would pass.  I am beginning to believe that it won’t.

Every time I turn around at work I’m being given more hours. Which is wonderful – it means more money. But it means less time. I am watching for a management position, so turning things down is not in my best interest.  Besides, as dumb as my job is, I really like what I’m doing…I’ll write about that later because it confuses me and I need to sort through it.

Mr. Boyfriend

As for Mr. Boyfriend…this reader commented that perhaps “it” isn’t there yet.  I have been thinking about this a great deal. Being as overwhelmed as I have been made me wonder if getting remarried would alleviate this situation any.  But then…how does one get to the point of remarrying? Why would a man marry a woman with three children, one of which is Attila the Hun? If I were a man, there is no way I would opt to live with my oldest.

I know a woman who’s boyfriend wanted her to move in with he and his son. She was considering it – NOT because she loved him and wanted to spend the rest of her life with him – but because she wanted to go back to school and knew she would need help with her kids. I can see WHY a woman would do this, but it’s a tad too pragmatic for me. I guess I’m too stubborn to ever look at love and romance that way. Plus, the abusive nature of my former marriage makes me hesitate for a long while about any commitment.

So is it there yet with Mr. Boyfriend? He and I were talking about this the other day, actually.  No, it’s not. I don’t know what this means. I don’t know if this is a commentary on him or on I or on both of us.  Maybe he doesn’t feel that way about me. Maybe I don’t feel that way about him. Maybe I’ll never trust a man enough to open my family up to him.  It’s one thing for a woman to open HERSELF up to a man, but when it comes to our children it can be a different story.  We are a whole lot more protective.

In reality, a wise woman once said to me that my oldest probably NEEDS Mr. Boyfriend. She invited him over at Christmas time and hugged him goodbye when he left (bizarre behavior for her). He made her soup when she was sick last week (I MIGHT marry him for his cooking ability). I know she needs a male role model in her life – I just don’t want her to get hurt again. I don’t close my kids off from him, I just haven’t truly opened it all the way up.

Never Alone

The Barlow Girls sing a song called “Never Alone” which I listen to when I desperately need reassurance.  I know that I am never alone. But this reader’s comment made me really think about this.

Do I really believe that God is always there? If he were, wouldn’t he send me HELP? The answer is YES, He would. If I open myself up to it. If I believe. If I have faith. I have not had faith in this area. Instead I have been whining and complaining. Maybe I ought to take it to Him instead of wallowing in it all.  So thanks for the reminder, whoever you are!!

THE JOB

There are those that read this blog who have known me for many years. I say this because perhaps you might have answers that I don’t.  I have, for the last few months, been working as a merchandiser for Disney. I track inventory, make sure stores put new releases at the place with the best visibility, etc. It’s a dumb job.  About two months ago I realized that I had created relationships with the people in the stores I was doing. It became FUN because of the people. I loved walking in and joking around with them. Or the girl that screwed all my stuff up at Best Buy – she’s management, but extremely young. I knew she was a problem – fun, for me, was figuring out how to get her to like me and do what I wanted her to do.

So I’m doing this a crazy number of hours a week. My schedule is insane. I don’t have time, really, for anything else. I’m making more money than I did before (which is still not enough) and enjoying myself.  

But it’s not rocket science and I guess I thought, what with the degree and all, that I should be building rockets.

Additionally, I think it is incredibly bizarre that I am truly enjoying this. The running from store to store is exhausting. But I am having so much FUN with the people. I have been functioning as an introvert for many, many years. Was I an extrovert before? I think so. Before having children, before the ex…I think I was.  It’s emerging again.

When I first met my new boss (interview) he told me that upon meeting me he knew I could go into any type of sales I wanted to and be successful. Maybe. I do a great first impression (most of the time). Then he suggested to me that, like him, I apply for a management position within the company when one opens up.

I just don’t know. Am I an extrovert or an introvert? I don’t know anymore. My kids say that since I’ve gotten divorced I’ve become much zanier. That’s the word they use. I joke and laugh. Sitting at the dinner table with me NOW is much, much different than it ever was when the five of us would sit together.  I have changed.  But THAT much??

Single Parent Hell

I have to make a confession. Until this week, I really did not understand what it meant to single parent three children.  Last weekend I was set to go out of town and cancelled. I worked, instead, and by Saturday afternoon I knew I was too tired to do ANYTHING. The kids were all gone. I rented movies, went to the grocery store and by four o’clock, I was in bed. With the exception of a foray to go to Church Sunday morning, I didn’t leave that spot. I was exhausted.

There has been a horrendous bug going through my household – the oldest has pneumonia as a result.  The youngest daughter is, well, so tired she’s in tears all the time. My son is pretty much normal, but has circles under his eyes.

Me? I’m still exhausted, but I’m improving. Mentally, though…I’m having a tough time.  I would never take the ex back. Let me make that clear. Looking back I can see that it was a bad marriage and not being in that has given me room to fly in all sorts of ways. But some days there isn’t enough of me to go around. Most days I carry tremendous amounts of guilt around with me.

I’m angry. There is only me.  The ex lives in another city. The former in-laws are estranged and physically disabled at any rate. My parents live two hours away. There is no one to help. My friends are all married and therefore busy with their own lives and completely ignorant of how desperate it can feel to do this alone. (I say that without any anger toward them – I lived in that same place for years.) Even if I explained it to my friends they would not understand.

Eighteen-hour days are not my thing. I need down time. I’m never going to get it. Literally. Not till my children are grown. Whether it’s hockey or band or errands for school or desires or needs or school projects or schoolwork or WHATEVER…I’m it. AND I’M TIRED.  I’m doing it all by myself. One night this week I worked until six, made dinner, ran my son to Hockey, figured out my schedule for the next two weeks (for work) during the game, came home two hours later, threw my oldest in the car and took her to the doctor at ten to nine at night.

This is typically how it goes. It brings me to tears. There is no one to help. I feel alone.

Someone said something about Mr. Boyfriend. Asked me if he would help. I suppose he would, but it’s not his responsibility. I don’t ask. I don’t even talk to him about any of this. I don’t expect him to kick in for my kids when he has his own. I can’t imagine what it would take for someone else to move in and love my children like they were their own.
I just can’t see it. I have teenagers. I have one, in particular, who can out-swear ME. Not to mention the fact that it would require me to give up some autonomy and co-parent again and I am not sure I can do THAT again. It didn’t go so well last time.  I feel trapped. I either need to let someone in or drown.  Neither choice appeals to me.

Self-esteem and Men

Mr. Boyfriend and I recently had a conversation regarding self-esteem and the positive and negative effects relationships have on it. This is a topic, which is near and dear to both of us for different reasons. His reason is irrelevant in relation to my purpose here.

I have given this topic a great deal of thought. I think that part of the push-pull of our relationship has been he and I building trust and making sure we maintain our equilibrium in regards to this topic.

My thoughts on this deal are surprisingly spiritual when I really get down to it.

I could say that I will depend on myself and no one else for self-esteem, but I don’t really believe that. I think it’s about God.

How is my self-esteem? It’s grown by leaps and bounds. It’s going to take time for it to heal. It’s where it was when I married the ex – which is much better then while I was MARRIED to the ex. But there are miles to go and I know it. My growth was stunted. I have battles to fight.

At the same time, I battle to make sure that my self-esteem is NOT dependant on Mr. Boyfriend. Partially because …what if he leaves as the ex did? Will I lose myself again? What I had with the ex was unhealthy. I was too dependent on him for my self-definition.  

And…he was abusive. Physically, yes. But before the physical part comes some serious mental handy-work.  The day I decided to climb out of that mess, something in me finally snapped. The lioness in me stood up and roared. She had had enough. She will never go there again.  And statistically speaking, women or men who have been through what I have been through rarely do go there again. We are vigilant. Which is what I have been with Mr. Boyfriend. I make a big deal (here) out of every little thing. To him? I simply stop communicating until I have the thing figured out. Until I decide if I can deal with whatever it is.  I am vigilant.

The end result though? I try to spend time with God every day. I try to put him first. I made HIM the male in my life. It is the only way I know to maintain balance. I do not want any human male, ever again, to have god-like qualities. To have the ability to make or break me.  I also think that by putting God first, I am given the ability to truly love a man for himself, rather than what he can do for me.