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Location: Wisconsin, United States

"There is a secret set within each of our hearts...It is simply the desire for life as it was meant to be... Seasons may pass until it surfaces again. And though it seems to taunt us, and may at times cause us great pain, we know when it returns that it is priceless. For if we could recover this desire, unearth it from beneath all other distractions, and embrace it as our deepest treasure, we would discover the secret of our existance." -John Eldredge, The Journey of Desire

Sunday, June 03, 2007

Another Weekend

Another weekend gone. I'm exhausted.

I don't know if I can tolerate one more epiphany. Or deep conversation. Or thought process regarding child rearing. I need to turn my brain off for a while, but I don't think that's going to happen until I get some sleep.

I'm a little overwhelmed with work. I probably should have put some time in this weekend to get caught up, but frankly...I worked an awful lot doing work unrelated to the office.

I also played hard.

Friday night I was out and had an absolute blast. I can't remember the last time I had that much fun. And it was all in the company I was keeping :-)

Mr. Boyfriend showed up for a while, we danced a few times, and then he left. Later I got a voice mail telling me that I had made him leave so I could go home with a married man. (Sigh.)


We haven't had any contact for two days. This is probably good as I have been dealing with some heavy duty feelings regarding the ex getting married. Unexpected feelings. Feelings I am sure I have had for a good long while, but simply didn't allow myself to feel, for one reason or another. If Mr. Boyfriend were in the picture I would probably still not truly deal with them. Growth, you know. Woohoo.

My oldest child is struggling with anorexia/bulimia. I don't think it's completely got a hold of her, but she definetely has some issues. Both my daughters are becoming very health conscious. This development has me reworking the way I cook, the snacks I keep on hand, etc. As a working mother, I had moved toward easy answers in the kitchen. I am now moving away from that.

The oldest and I spent the afternoon together. We did a great deal of talking about every subject she normally refuses to communicate about. And we went grocery shopping. With her input we planned meals and snacks and put together a weeks menu. Now I have a list on the fridge door, her commitment to helping me cook, snacks like fruits vegatables and nuts with a few unhealthy chips on the side for those of us who are PMSing.

I learned that she is grieving about her family being broken...still. But it doesn't really surprise me as I have discovered that I am too...still. This upcoming marriage has impact in ways I'm sure the newlyweds have no clue about.

I spent the evening on Sat with the ex's fiance's exhusband. We used to be family friends. He helped with some stuff around the house that required a truck. I don't have one - he does. He was sick. I made him chicken soup. I feel bad for him. He is raising two small children alone. I know I have challenges, but mine are at least old enough that I have the opportunity to go do things if I want to or need to. He's relatively stuck as most people with small children are.

I can't save him. I don't even want to. I am finding my desire to save people is gone. I can give to people, but I can't fix things that are broken in their lives.

I realized that I was waiting for my life to go back to "normal". For four years. I was not waiting for the ex to come home. But I was waiting for SOMETHING to fix what has been broken around here. Battling up hill.

Really what has been needed has been me. I am the same but changed. I used to be fairly organized and anal. Now I battle disasters on a daily basis. I don't feel like I can get caught up. I'm trying. The last few weeks I have developed a weekend routine again - cleaning house on Saturdays. I used to do this regularly and find myself re-establishing it. It feels good. I do have to say part of it is a lack of being on the phone or WITH Mr. Boyfriend. He was very time consuming. Is it supposed to be like that? I don't know. It is so good to have time to get reintouch with me, my home, my children. It feels good to discover my own patterns and habits and routines without the disruption of an emotional rollercoaster ride.

I don't know exactly how I got to the place where I could let this go, but it is good that I am. I still have no interest in any man. In being anything other than friends. I am so damn tired. I have never been in this place before, where even the thought of a "relationship" irritates me. The idea of someone wanting and needing and demanding and finding fault is such a huge turn off that I am completely disinterested. I find that interesting. I haven't been here for 20 years. Weird.

I baked a caked tonight for no particular reason. It makes the kids feel good when something bakes in the oven and they get an unexpected treat. It's strange that I even thought of it. A bedtime snack like they used to have when they were little. Just so I don't eat it :-)


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