Friday and a Bottle of Wine
I am home alone on a Friday night and completely enjoying it. Is that warped? I have Michael Buble on the stereo, a bottle of decent wine, and a halfway clean house. I think I am tipsy. By myself. Is there a better way to be?
Ironically, I had forgotten what good company I am.
Here’s an update: Tomorrow I have to deal with the X and the girlfriend together at a family event (son’s hockey tourney) for the first time. Other mom’s are rallying around me, but still, this could be interesting. I am more concerned that I will have to see my former father-in-law. That would seriously hurt. Yuck. I’ll roll with whatever, I guess.
Today I feel very free. I walk through my house and feel like it is mine, for the first time. I am taking ownership. It could be that my paycheck is finally at a point where I might be solvent once I refinance (with child support, of course). You know, like be, middle class again. Won’t that be weird?
I have come to some conclusions regarding my vocation. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. Forgive my language, please. Normally it’s pretty good. But not now. Someone pointed out a position I “should” apply for with the Chamber of Commerce. My response? It would take too much focus. Too much emotional investment, which I simply do not have to give. Not now. I am recovering from too much bullshit. I will get there; I will take the world by storm in whatever capacity I choose to. Later. Not now. Now I am breathing. Whether I want to be or not – that’s what it has turned into. Yeah, I know. I’m 36. But I married young and stayed with it for a variety of reasons and am now completely BROKEN. Not emotionally wrecked – been there, done that…but BROKEN.
Remember the movie The Breakfast Club? The science geek – the one that sits in the back and plays with his spoon – sticking it to his nose while muttering “who am I?”…Yeah, well, that’s me. I feel like that on a regular basis. I think about him every couple of weeks…and always as a representation of how I feel. Maybe I should tell my new shrink this and see what she makes of it.
Mr. Boyfriend? He loves me. He is tickled I am getting counseling. I just want to jump him.
No, seriously.
Ok, ok. Bartender! Cut ‘er off!!!
Who the hell knows. I worry I am repeating my high school hell. But then, I know this is a good man, so I can’t be. But I can be, at the same time, because isn’t that why I’m going into therapy?
Shit. How ‘bout this? I like him. There are problems. Who’s, I dunno. But I have liked and respected him for years. He has issues. He admits it (recently, again). Who knows? Maybe together we can work through some of them, like, maybe FRIENDS. This topic makes me defensive. I’m hanging up now…
As for the X – he’s wacko. Still. I can’t even bother trying to figure what he’s doing. Several weeks ago I told him it was time to get over me. I did! I reviewed our email contact and it was constant – considering the man dragged me into court just to make me talk to him. And I told him that since he was involved with someone else, I was in love with someone else, and gee, we were divorced…it was time for him to let me go. Get over me.
I tried it the nice way first, a couple of weeks before that. I asked him if we could begin to behave like divorced people – meaning maybe contact once a week or less. It didn’t work. He was an ass, I said what I said and NOW I get relatively little contact. In fact, he’s using the kids as a go between – which is ridiculous, but you know, whatever.
Tonight he calls and wants to talk about his oldest child. What a doorknob. His oldest child says that her relationship with her father is dead. She says her best friends father is more of a father to her than her own. She is correct. And now the X wants to talk to me about her? He says she needs to be in counseling. At some point, yes. But what we all need is a BREAK from the trauma. A BREAK from the chaos. What my children need is to BE CHILDREN. To be self-centered and not centered on their parents DYSFUNCTION. Hello!!! She refuses counseling. She has stopped cutting. Her grades are improving (constant email contact with her teachers)…
But, gee, lets talk, Mr. Ex-Husband. I don’t wanna. He never listened anyway. He isn’t about to now. I guess that’s the tactic I should try… listening to HIM. Again. Yuck. Ick. And Pooh. Bluck.
Signing off now – taking a shower. Moving on.
Ironically, I had forgotten what good company I am.
Here’s an update: Tomorrow I have to deal with the X and the girlfriend together at a family event (son’s hockey tourney) for the first time. Other mom’s are rallying around me, but still, this could be interesting. I am more concerned that I will have to see my former father-in-law. That would seriously hurt. Yuck. I’ll roll with whatever, I guess.
Today I feel very free. I walk through my house and feel like it is mine, for the first time. I am taking ownership. It could be that my paycheck is finally at a point where I might be solvent once I refinance (with child support, of course). You know, like be, middle class again. Won’t that be weird?
I have come to some conclusions regarding my vocation. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. Forgive my language, please. Normally it’s pretty good. But not now. Someone pointed out a position I “should” apply for with the Chamber of Commerce. My response? It would take too much focus. Too much emotional investment, which I simply do not have to give. Not now. I am recovering from too much bullshit. I will get there; I will take the world by storm in whatever capacity I choose to. Later. Not now. Now I am breathing. Whether I want to be or not – that’s what it has turned into. Yeah, I know. I’m 36. But I married young and stayed with it for a variety of reasons and am now completely BROKEN. Not emotionally wrecked – been there, done that…but BROKEN.
Remember the movie The Breakfast Club? The science geek – the one that sits in the back and plays with his spoon – sticking it to his nose while muttering “who am I?”…Yeah, well, that’s me. I feel like that on a regular basis. I think about him every couple of weeks…and always as a representation of how I feel. Maybe I should tell my new shrink this and see what she makes of it.
Mr. Boyfriend? He loves me. He is tickled I am getting counseling. I just want to jump him.
No, seriously.
Ok, ok. Bartender! Cut ‘er off!!!
Who the hell knows. I worry I am repeating my high school hell. But then, I know this is a good man, so I can’t be. But I can be, at the same time, because isn’t that why I’m going into therapy?
Shit. How ‘bout this? I like him. There are problems. Who’s, I dunno. But I have liked and respected him for years. He has issues. He admits it (recently, again). Who knows? Maybe together we can work through some of them, like, maybe FRIENDS. This topic makes me defensive. I’m hanging up now…
As for the X – he’s wacko. Still. I can’t even bother trying to figure what he’s doing. Several weeks ago I told him it was time to get over me. I did! I reviewed our email contact and it was constant – considering the man dragged me into court just to make me talk to him. And I told him that since he was involved with someone else, I was in love with someone else, and gee, we were divorced…it was time for him to let me go. Get over me.
I tried it the nice way first, a couple of weeks before that. I asked him if we could begin to behave like divorced people – meaning maybe contact once a week or less. It didn’t work. He was an ass, I said what I said and NOW I get relatively little contact. In fact, he’s using the kids as a go between – which is ridiculous, but you know, whatever.
Tonight he calls and wants to talk about his oldest child. What a doorknob. His oldest child says that her relationship with her father is dead. She says her best friends father is more of a father to her than her own. She is correct. And now the X wants to talk to me about her? He says she needs to be in counseling. At some point, yes. But what we all need is a BREAK from the trauma. A BREAK from the chaos. What my children need is to BE CHILDREN. To be self-centered and not centered on their parents DYSFUNCTION. Hello!!! She refuses counseling. She has stopped cutting. Her grades are improving (constant email contact with her teachers)…
But, gee, lets talk, Mr. Ex-Husband. I don’t wanna. He never listened anyway. He isn’t about to now. I guess that’s the tactic I should try… listening to HIM. Again. Yuck. Ick. And Pooh. Bluck.
Signing off now – taking a shower. Moving on.
posted by New Day | 9:24 PM
1 Comments:
Excellent rant!! Well done. I hope the hockey tournament scene went well.
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