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Location: Wisconsin, United States

"There is a secret set within each of our hearts...It is simply the desire for life as it was meant to be... Seasons may pass until it surfaces again. And though it seems to taunt us, and may at times cause us great pain, we know when it returns that it is priceless. For if we could recover this desire, unearth it from beneath all other distractions, and embrace it as our deepest treasure, we would discover the secret of our existance." -John Eldredge, The Journey of Desire

Monday, May 28, 2007

Flower Power

I have had a wonderful holiday weekend. Shall I share? Friday I took off from work early and mowed the lawn. Two of my children had camping trips with friends and thus were gone most of the weekend. Mowing the lawn was good because it's a chore that I needed to do before the rain. Friday night I had a couple of friends over for drinks and smores around a bonfire. Was in bed early...so that I could get up early and clean my house.

I had to clean the house because several girlfriends elected to have a get together HERE and it was dirty and messy. We had some snacks, some tequila and good conversation. Then we met up with several other friends - both female and male - and danced. They all went home. I ended up hooking up with an old friend whom every several years I hang out with. She now lives not far from me and we shared a cab ride home. I had "macaroni pizza" for the first time - something my children know all about, but I had never heard of - and would have assumed was icky. It was yummy. Who would think to put macaroni on pizza? I certainly would not have tried it if I had not been with Shannon. She is someone I would not think to connect with, but I imagine would be a lot of fun. Funny you can know someone for so many years and not think of them as a friend.

Sunday I woke up and went to Church - another girlfriend accompanied me. This was nice - I usually sit alone. We went out to lunch afterward and visited. Later she came over and we cleaned up my backyard. Two friends of mine are renewing their vows and have decided to do it in my yard. Good incentive to get things done around here. So she came over and we went to town. As reward, we made cornish hens, potatos and green beans for dinner. With a margarita on my porch, no less. I was exhausted and went to bed early.

Today I slept in and woke to a leisurely cup of coffee on the porch. I swapped a few text messages with Mr. Boyfriend only to find him still talking about the same thing. Other men. He just don't get it! I had to run children to the other side of town and decided to take the plunge...I bought three flats of flowers and planted the first bed. Two girlfriends came over to gab and another friend of mine came over (at my request) to repair a wooden stair in the backyard - which we need to be stable for the little wedding ceremony. I threw brats on the grill and the four of us sat and laughed and goofed off. Eventually everyone left and I spent some time with my son - who missed me and talked a mile a minute for over an hour.

My house is clean. My backyard is on it's way. One flower bed is planted. I got to play in the dirt, play with my friends, have spiritual time with my friends and enjoy my kids. Hot damn. This is my life? When did it get to be so very cool?? The friend that fixed the step offered to put a waterfall in for me - that would be neat. I just adore him. I could not be friends with him while with Mr. Boyfriend due, of course, to jealousy. What Mr. Boyfriend missed was the possibility of having a good friend himself. That is so dumb. Had he made my friends his friends his life might have been that much richer. Silly man. People surely limit themselves with their paranoia.

But I will not be limited anymore by other people's paranoia. Not at all. Never, ever again. God has blessed me with SO much. Two years ago I wanted to fill my house with laughter and friends and love. I wanted to hear my children laugh and give them the example of a happy house and a happy mom. God has given that very thing to me. I have a wealth of friends. And I am working on being happy.

And I was serious about the relationship part of me. I am resting. I am going to keep myself open, continue to meet people. But I know I do not have much to give anyone. I need to know myself. I need to be as happy OUT of a relationship as IN. And so I am simply going to enjoy my life as it is. I am going to be free and be happy...for the first time in a long time. Working to be enough only for myself. And oh...my....gosh....does that ever feel good.

And Mr. Boyfriend? I miss him. But I realized today when my friends were over that there was a strong likelihood that he would have gone away mad tonight for SOMETHING. Because I laughed at the wrong time, didn't give him credit for something, talked too long or too much to a male friend...who knows what. That's no way to live. I just wanted to be happy. I want to be accepted for who I am. Who I am is okeedokee.

And now, at ten thirty at night, I am signing off. Tomorrow I go to work - and I am fortunate that I have a job I love very much. It just gets better and better. I am so very blessed.


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