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Location: Wisconsin, United States

"There is a secret set within each of our hearts...It is simply the desire for life as it was meant to be... Seasons may pass until it surfaces again. And though it seems to taunt us, and may at times cause us great pain, we know when it returns that it is priceless. For if we could recover this desire, unearth it from beneath all other distractions, and embrace it as our deepest treasure, we would discover the secret of our existance." -John Eldredge, The Journey of Desire

Thursday, July 26, 2007

The Biker

It is rare that I feel sad or down anymore. Today I do. I got hit with a wave of sadness in the grocery store, feeling Mr. Boyfriends memory more than anything.

The last couple of weeks have been tough ones for me. Not tough in a negative way, actually tough in a really GOOD way. I have talked about some things with friends and therapists that I was deeply ashamed of and let it go. I came further to grips with my history and forgave myself for some things. I took another stand with Mr. Boyfriend - I told him I want to see other people, and I am doing so. I didn't really want to see other people, mind you, I just could not go on like things were and I knew that would end it. It did.

As a result I am dating a biker. What do you think of that?

I have tried a million ways to find an ulterior motive in my doing this...when it comes down to it, I simply like the man. There is that feeling of comfortableness around each other like I have known him forever. He's rather uncomplicated and he doesn't do drama...in fact he HATES drama. I am appreciating and enjoying this aspect of him.

I told the man that I am not emotionally available and that was ok with him. He still wanted to see me, since we simply like each other. So I'm rolling with it. I am also learning much about myself with him - my communication style, my self confidence level, my temperment...all things that were compromised by my relationship with Mr. Boyfriend, unfortunetely. Because in reality, I loved Mr. Boyfriend. But I could not live with the drama, the chaos and the negativity that was our relationship.

But I miss him. I guess that is what is making me sad. I miss him and he is probably gone forever...people do go forever sometimes. I don't stop loving someone once I start, so the leaving thing is difficult for me. Learning to love from a distance is a heartwrenching process. And so I am sad. And I am in the middle of the heart wrenching process.