Work

I am appraisaing again. I joined a firm owned by a woman who is about ten years younger then me. I am the only appraiser with commercial experience on her staff and she wants to learn from me. I like the people I work with, but there are a few short cuts taken which alarm me. I'll do my work my way, the way I was taught and leave the others to be ticking time bombs.

Mr. Boyfriend is gone.

I pretty much threw my father out of my house last weekend.

I think I've had enough of men mistreating me. I've expanded my female friend base. Have an appointment with yet another counselor - to try and sort through things some, I guess. I am depressed, but no where as depressed as I have been in the past. I am free. I'm grown up. Decisions are mine to make. I know how to take care of myself this time around. But still I am feeling a tremendous amount of anxiety about everything.

I think I just repeated the pattern of my relationship with my father with Mr. Boyfriend. No men until I address that. I don't feel like dating anyway. I don't even feel like eating. Not a bad deal - I'll lose the weight I've gained in a couple of weeks.

Off to work...at least there is that. I am doing what I know, what I have some sort of expertise in. It's sort of fun to be back at something where I can walk into a city office and people still remember me! And it is good that Mr. Boyfriend is gone as I go back to climbing this professional mountain. I don't need the emotional chaos that came with that relationship. It would effect my work. THAT will never happen again.

Again

He goes
and I am shattered
Not wholely, I know
There is enough of me to go on fighting
There is enough of me to stand and continue
He goes
and I know that it is right
I do not know that I would have the strength
to go
and it needs to be done

But inside my body
my heart hurts
a physical thing
And my mind can only repeat to itself
it's mantra of questions
Why? Someone else? What did I do to make him change so swiftly?
Is it me? What is wrong with me?

I know what I am going to do
Stay away from men
Not because they are bad or evil
But because I want something healthy
And I must pull myself together before
I can create healthiness

He goes
I pick up the sweater I wore last week
It still smells like him.