.comment-link {margin-left:.6em;}


Location: Wisconsin, United States

"There is a secret set within each of our hearts...It is simply the desire for life as it was meant to be... Seasons may pass until it surfaces again. And though it seems to taunt us, and may at times cause us great pain, we know when it returns that it is priceless. For if we could recover this desire, unearth it from beneath all other distractions, and embrace it as our deepest treasure, we would discover the secret of our existance." -John Eldredge, The Journey of Desire

Wednesday, September 13, 2006


I am appraisaing again. I joined a firm owned by a woman who is about ten years younger then me. I am the only appraiser with commercial experience on her staff and she wants to learn from me. I like the people I work with, but there are a few short cuts taken which alarm me. I'll do my work my way, the way I was taught and leave the others to be ticking time bombs.

Mr. Boyfriend is gone.

I pretty much threw my father out of my house last weekend.

I think I've had enough of men mistreating me. I've expanded my female friend base. Have an appointment with yet another counselor - to try and sort through things some, I guess. I am depressed, but no where as depressed as I have been in the past. I am free. I'm grown up. Decisions are mine to make. I know how to take care of myself this time around. But still I am feeling a tremendous amount of anxiety about everything.

I think I just repeated the pattern of my relationship with my father with Mr. Boyfriend. No men until I address that. I don't feel like dating anyway. I don't even feel like eating. Not a bad deal - I'll lose the weight I've gained in a couple of weeks.

Off to work...at least there is that. I am doing what I know, what I have some sort of expertise in. It's sort of fun to be back at something where I can walk into a city office and people still remember me! And it is good that Mr. Boyfriend is gone as I go back to climbing this professional mountain. I don't need the emotional chaos that came with that relationship. It would effect my work. THAT will never happen again.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006


He goes
and I am shattered
Not wholely, I know
There is enough of me to go on fighting
There is enough of me to stand and continue
He goes
and I know that it is right
I do not know that I would have the strength
to go
and it needs to be done

But inside my body
my heart hurts
a physical thing
And my mind can only repeat to itself
it's mantra of questions
Why? Someone else? What did I do to make him change so swiftly?
Is it me? What is wrong with me?

I know what I am going to do
Stay away from men
Not because they are bad or evil
But because I want something healthy
And I must pull myself together before
I can create healthiness

He goes
I pick up the sweater I wore last week
It still smells like him.