Self-esteem and Men
Mr. Boyfriend and I recently had a conversation regarding self-esteem and the positive and negative effects relationships have on it. This is a topic, which is near and dear to both of us for different reasons. His reason is irrelevant in relation to my purpose here.
I have given this topic a great deal of thought. I think that part of the push-pull of our relationship has been he and I building trust and making sure we maintain our equilibrium in regards to this topic.
My thoughts on this deal are surprisingly spiritual when I really get down to it.
I could say that I will depend on myself and no one else for self-esteem, but I don’t really believe that. I think it’s about God.
How is my self-esteem? It’s grown by leaps and bounds. It’s going to take time for it to heal. It’s where it was when I married the ex – which is much better then while I was MARRIED to the ex. But there are miles to go and I know it. My growth was stunted. I have battles to fight.
At the same time, I battle to make sure that my self-esteem is NOT dependant on Mr. Boyfriend. Partially because …what if he leaves as the ex did? Will I lose myself again? What I had with the ex was unhealthy. I was too dependent on him for my self-definition.
And…he was abusive. Physically, yes. But before the physical part comes some serious mental handy-work. The day I decided to climb out of that mess, something in me finally snapped. The lioness in me stood up and roared. She had had enough. She will never go there again. And statistically speaking, women or men who have been through what I have been through rarely do go there again. We are vigilant. Which is what I have been with Mr. Boyfriend. I make a big deal (here) out of every little thing. To him? I simply stop communicating until I have the thing figured out. Until I decide if I can deal with whatever it is. I am vigilant.
The end result though? I try to spend time with God every day. I try to put him first. I made HIM the male in my life. It is the only way I know to maintain balance. I do not want any human male, ever again, to have god-like qualities. To have the ability to make or break me. I also think that by putting God first, I am given the ability to truly love a man for himself, rather than what he can do for me.
I have given this topic a great deal of thought. I think that part of the push-pull of our relationship has been he and I building trust and making sure we maintain our equilibrium in regards to this topic.
My thoughts on this deal are surprisingly spiritual when I really get down to it.
I could say that I will depend on myself and no one else for self-esteem, but I don’t really believe that. I think it’s about God.
How is my self-esteem? It’s grown by leaps and bounds. It’s going to take time for it to heal. It’s where it was when I married the ex – which is much better then while I was MARRIED to the ex. But there are miles to go and I know it. My growth was stunted. I have battles to fight.
At the same time, I battle to make sure that my self-esteem is NOT dependant on Mr. Boyfriend. Partially because …what if he leaves as the ex did? Will I lose myself again? What I had with the ex was unhealthy. I was too dependent on him for my self-definition.
And…he was abusive. Physically, yes. But before the physical part comes some serious mental handy-work. The day I decided to climb out of that mess, something in me finally snapped. The lioness in me stood up and roared. She had had enough. She will never go there again. And statistically speaking, women or men who have been through what I have been through rarely do go there again. We are vigilant. Which is what I have been with Mr. Boyfriend. I make a big deal (here) out of every little thing. To him? I simply stop communicating until I have the thing figured out. Until I decide if I can deal with whatever it is. I am vigilant.
The end result though? I try to spend time with God every day. I try to put him first. I made HIM the male in my life. It is the only way I know to maintain balance. I do not want any human male, ever again, to have god-like qualities. To have the ability to make or break me. I also think that by putting God first, I am given the ability to truly love a man for himself, rather than what he can do for me.
posted by New Day | 7:58 PM
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