Mr. Boyfriend Exits...Again?
I recently started watching Sex and the City by the season. I think it's funny that there is a Mr. Big and a Mr. Boyfriend in the world. Men without names. I caught myself calling Mr. Boyfriend exactly that a couple of times - to his face and to other people.
Wouldn't much make a difference, I suppose. I like keeping it to myself - and sharing it with you, but it going no further.
I've been utterly miserable. I went and saw my pastor/friend/counselor. Mr. Boyfriend had suggested that I needed counseling to deal with the Ex's abuse. I checked. Basically, I would use a counselor as a support system and chat with them about daily life. I don't need it. I just need to heal. I need time to trust. I was delighted to have this confirmed. I'm ok. It's just that I was used and abused and rejected. Those are my friends words. It'll take a while, and ten years from now I may still flip occasionally because of something very small.
I haven't talked with him, but Mr. Boyfriend told me earlier this week that he can not handle this. Valentine's Day was the final straw, I think. I am very sad.
We've been down this break up road a number of times so I probably shouldn't feel like I do. People scoff at me. But in actuality, this feels different. He feels gone.
I am struggling with my insecurities. Does he feel about me the way I feel about him? I don't think so. We've been friends for so many years...I actually think I was SAFE. There is that dreaded word, which should be a positive, but is a negative here. I was safe because he knew he couldn't fall in love and completely lose his head with me. I think. I don't know, you see, because that is the nature of insecurities...you don't know whether they are real or not.
It's depressing. I am lonely. I've had lunch with two friends this week, coffee with my pastor/friend/counselor, been extremely busy with work, attended two hockey games (which are great fun), had several long conversations with girlfriends ...and I still miss Mr. Boyfriend. I miss snickering at his jokes. Laughing at his messages. Smiling when he's sweet. Pulling my hair out when he says dumb things about other men. I just miss him, period.
I'm mooning over some damn man and can't even get up the gumption to be disgusted with myself.
Wouldn't much make a difference, I suppose. I like keeping it to myself - and sharing it with you, but it going no further.
I've been utterly miserable. I went and saw my pastor/friend/counselor. Mr. Boyfriend had suggested that I needed counseling to deal with the Ex's abuse. I checked. Basically, I would use a counselor as a support system and chat with them about daily life. I don't need it. I just need to heal. I need time to trust. I was delighted to have this confirmed. I'm ok. It's just that I was used and abused and rejected. Those are my friends words. It'll take a while, and ten years from now I may still flip occasionally because of something very small.
I haven't talked with him, but Mr. Boyfriend told me earlier this week that he can not handle this. Valentine's Day was the final straw, I think. I am very sad.
We've been down this break up road a number of times so I probably shouldn't feel like I do. People scoff at me. But in actuality, this feels different. He feels gone.
I am struggling with my insecurities. Does he feel about me the way I feel about him? I don't think so. We've been friends for so many years...I actually think I was SAFE. There is that dreaded word, which should be a positive, but is a negative here. I was safe because he knew he couldn't fall in love and completely lose his head with me. I think. I don't know, you see, because that is the nature of insecurities...you don't know whether they are real or not.
It's depressing. I am lonely. I've had lunch with two friends this week, coffee with my pastor/friend/counselor, been extremely busy with work, attended two hockey games (which are great fun), had several long conversations with girlfriends ...and I still miss Mr. Boyfriend. I miss snickering at his jokes. Laughing at his messages. Smiling when he's sweet. Pulling my hair out when he says dumb things about other men. I just miss him, period.
I'm mooning over some damn man and can't even get up the gumption to be disgusted with myself.
posted by New Day | 5:29 PM
1 Comments:
here is an joke for you I hope it helps...
HER DIARY
Tonight I thought he was acting weird.
We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that Iwas a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing nothing to do with me and not to worry.
On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say I love you too. When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. He seemed distant and absent.Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do.
I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
2. HIS DIARY
I shot the worst round of golf in my life today, but at least I got laid.
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