Men and Kids
Mr. Boyfriend and I broke up last night. Over kids. I feel very confused. He said that he would never go down this road again, where the woman didn’t see the man as important. That my kids run my life.
I find this depressing. It’s probably true. But there is a reason for that. I’m all they have. I’m it.
I did not defend myself. I didn’t really say much at all. Other than to tell him I would prefer to talk about things and that I refused to fight about it.
And inside of me, I was having the most uncharitable thoughts. I was considering the fact that it is easy to criticize when one has not actually been on call 24/7 all by themselves. I really do not know the answer.
What I DO know is that the task of raising my children has fallen solely to me. The X visits with them (two of the three) every other week. This is my first chore. I would love to fall in love and have a partner. I am only beginning to see how that might look. But not for the sake of having another parent around.
What I’m really avoiding is dealing with how I feel. Which is despair. Acceptance of my situation. Acceptance of the possibility that this is all about Mr. Boyfriend. Acceptance of the idea that it might be all about me. Whatever it is, here I am. I wondered in the last few weeks if it was truly “there” between Mr. Boyfriend and I.
Frankly, when he started talking about self-esteem he started saying things in relation to me. Wanting me to get my hair permed. To go shopping with me for clothes. I began to feel like project. Part of me disengaged at that point. A small part. I am healthy enough to know that whomever I am with needs to be with me because they LIKE me, not because they LIKE me but believe I need tweaking. !!! I once had a boyfriend who did that – regarding clothes and hair, etc…one day I woke up and couldn’t take it anymore. I missed myself. And in order to get back to being me I had to lose him.
This situation is a little more complicated…I don’t want the process of my evolution stunted again.
At any rate, I feel abandoned. Worse, I feel inadequate. Again. It’s the feeling of inadequacy that I am running from. And tremendous hurt that the fact that I have children could make someone turn from me. Someone that I loved. And this time, I really don’t think it’s going to change. If it does…how will I feel? I don’t know. I feel altered somehow. Shocked. But altered.
I find this depressing. It’s probably true. But there is a reason for that. I’m all they have. I’m it.
I did not defend myself. I didn’t really say much at all. Other than to tell him I would prefer to talk about things and that I refused to fight about it.
And inside of me, I was having the most uncharitable thoughts. I was considering the fact that it is easy to criticize when one has not actually been on call 24/7 all by themselves. I really do not know the answer.
What I DO know is that the task of raising my children has fallen solely to me. The X visits with them (two of the three) every other week. This is my first chore. I would love to fall in love and have a partner. I am only beginning to see how that might look. But not for the sake of having another parent around.
What I’m really avoiding is dealing with how I feel. Which is despair. Acceptance of my situation. Acceptance of the possibility that this is all about Mr. Boyfriend. Acceptance of the idea that it might be all about me. Whatever it is, here I am. I wondered in the last few weeks if it was truly “there” between Mr. Boyfriend and I.
Frankly, when he started talking about self-esteem he started saying things in relation to me. Wanting me to get my hair permed. To go shopping with me for clothes. I began to feel like project. Part of me disengaged at that point. A small part. I am healthy enough to know that whomever I am with needs to be with me because they LIKE me, not because they LIKE me but believe I need tweaking. !!! I once had a boyfriend who did that – regarding clothes and hair, etc…one day I woke up and couldn’t take it anymore. I missed myself. And in order to get back to being me I had to lose him.
This situation is a little more complicated…I don’t want the process of my evolution stunted again.
At any rate, I feel abandoned. Worse, I feel inadequate. Again. It’s the feeling of inadequacy that I am running from. And tremendous hurt that the fact that I have children could make someone turn from me. Someone that I loved. And this time, I really don’t think it’s going to change. If it does…how will I feel? I don’t know. I feel altered somehow. Shocked. But altered.
posted by New Day | 8:00 AM
2 Comments:
Hi! You recently posted on my blog, so I thought I would return the favour. Your siutation appears to be much more complicated than mine, but you also seem to be such a strong person! I'm envious.
I urge you not to feel inadequate. If you feel abandoned, that's fine, but try to use that feeling, and perhaps the anger(?).
Anyway, I appreciated the words you sent me. It is always good to have support, even from strangers.
If there is a chance, do explain to him why your children are important, and do tell him that he is also important (if he is). And ask: "what can I do to make you feel important or what did I not do?"
But only if you want to do so.
I hope you feel better by now!
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