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Location: Wisconsin, United States

"There is a secret set within each of our hearts...It is simply the desire for life as it was meant to be... Seasons may pass until it surfaces again. And though it seems to taunt us, and may at times cause us great pain, we know when it returns that it is priceless. For if we could recover this desire, unearth it from beneath all other distractions, and embrace it as our deepest treasure, we would discover the secret of our existance." -John Eldredge, The Journey of Desire

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Infidelity and Other Growth

The last couple of days I have been people weary. Almost crabby. I resolved this yesterday by going to bed at 9:30 in the evening. I may well have an unexpected day off today and I've told no one - people tend to take up my time if they know I have it to give and I want to give some to myself to work through some of the things churning in my head and heart.

I have had a few interactions with Mr. Boyfriend in the last four days. They didn't upset me so much as aggravated me. He has not changed. He thinks he has - because our break-up is sticking and he views this as him keeping his boundaries solid. He just doesn't get it.

What I have realized is that I never had a problem with "other men". He did. He drew a box and I willingly tried to crawl into it out of fear of losing him. I needed him to validate that I was worthwhile and he could only do that for me if we were together. I don't need that so much anymore. I do it for myself, more and more. Now, when he throws accusations at me, it makes me feel angry and icky and I recognize that this is not good for me and turn away from it. I don't want that kind of stuff around me. I am enjoying peace.

The ex getting married made me face being alone. I'm still facing it, but I now recognize that five years from now I could still be unattached. It doesn't sound so bad anymore. I have friends, I have family and a life that isn't so terrible. I can be happy without a relationship. And being unattached is better than being in a destructive relationship. I just don't want the upheaval anymore.

Infidelity - She Speaks

Mr. Boyfriend cheated on me at the beginning of our relationship. The ex cheated on me repeatedly. Yesterday I realized this -without any real hurt. Just facts and a soft feeling of - I deserve better. I think both felt out of control when it occured. The ex made good - has been in counseling with the same bent as mine, and I have had some conversations about it with him recently. Mr. Boyfriend - I don't think he ever recovered from what he did.

His boundaries are so very rigid it implies a serious lack of trust in himself. I can't fix THAT. It's as if he wanted the woman he was with to make up for what he didn't feel within himself. I tried, as that is my own dysfunction. But I also failed because I'm a damn extrovert and couldn't shut myself up the way he wanted me to. But failing wasn't so bad. I got to know myself. Made friends despite that box I kept crawling in and out of. And finally being out of the box won over being in it.

He would interpret that as something about men - because that is his screwed up thinking. For me it's about myself. Not about a "relationship", but my ability to be who I am - and it was impossible to figure that out with the focus constantly on HIM. Every other week when he would break up with me I would have to focus on him totally - on his feelings. Ignoring my own. Violating myself by setting my own needs and emotions aside. He didn't make me do this. I did this because it's what I knew - it's what I grew up with.

He said something to me yesterday about me always being angry. By saying this, any anger I have is called invalid. I was able to recognize this. The ex did this too. I always felt that I was not allowed to get angry, to be upset about something he may have done. It was ok for THEM to get mad at me, but I was not allowed to have emotions that weren't happy or sad. I couldn't get mad. They couldn't handle how it made them feel. Again, this speaks about THEM, not me. During the course of a relationship one or the other will get mad. Not just one getting mad over and over again. But it will be mutual. Boundaries will be crossed, conflict may ensue and the end result might well be that the two people know each other better. But neither of them wanted to get to know me. They didn't want to hear about MY boundaries - they wanted to ignore them and focus on their own. This can't be anymore. It has to be MUTUAL respect.

Back to the Subject at Hand

I was thinking about infidelity and how I might react to it in the future. I don't know if I would react any different than I have in the past. Infidelity says something about the relationship and the person that did the deed. My response probably would be the same. What do you need that you aren't getting (doesn't mean I can give it to you, but I won't know unless you say something)? Who are you? What's been going on in your heart? The difference now would be that I wouldn't try to be everything to that person in order to "fix" it. But axing someone out becuase they've got garbage going on is not always the answer. People are valuable - as am I.

I have struggled with this some - feeling guilty because I tolerated it. I think this was more in response to Mr. Boyfriends obsession with it than my own feelings about it. I couldn't even GET to my feelings and opinions because I was so busy focusing on his. Again, this isn't his fault, it's mine. I did that. I focused on him in an unhealthy way and pushed myself under a rug.

Therapy is a good thing. Kim is emerging and she likes who she is.

Sunday, June 03, 2007

Another Weekend

Another weekend gone. I'm exhausted.

I don't know if I can tolerate one more epiphany. Or deep conversation. Or thought process regarding child rearing. I need to turn my brain off for a while, but I don't think that's going to happen until I get some sleep.

I'm a little overwhelmed with work. I probably should have put some time in this weekend to get caught up, but frankly...I worked an awful lot doing work unrelated to the office.

I also played hard.

Friday night I was out and had an absolute blast. I can't remember the last time I had that much fun. And it was all in the company I was keeping :-)

Mr. Boyfriend showed up for a while, we danced a few times, and then he left. Later I got a voice mail telling me that I had made him leave so I could go home with a married man. (Sigh.)


We haven't had any contact for two days. This is probably good as I have been dealing with some heavy duty feelings regarding the ex getting married. Unexpected feelings. Feelings I am sure I have had for a good long while, but simply didn't allow myself to feel, for one reason or another. If Mr. Boyfriend were in the picture I would probably still not truly deal with them. Growth, you know. Woohoo.

My oldest child is struggling with anorexia/bulimia. I don't think it's completely got a hold of her, but she definetely has some issues. Both my daughters are becoming very health conscious. This development has me reworking the way I cook, the snacks I keep on hand, etc. As a working mother, I had moved toward easy answers in the kitchen. I am now moving away from that.

The oldest and I spent the afternoon together. We did a great deal of talking about every subject she normally refuses to communicate about. And we went grocery shopping. With her input we planned meals and snacks and put together a weeks menu. Now I have a list on the fridge door, her commitment to helping me cook, snacks like fruits vegatables and nuts with a few unhealthy chips on the side for those of us who are PMSing.

I learned that she is grieving about her family being broken...still. But it doesn't really surprise me as I have discovered that I am too...still. This upcoming marriage has impact in ways I'm sure the newlyweds have no clue about.

I spent the evening on Sat with the ex's fiance's exhusband. We used to be family friends. He helped with some stuff around the house that required a truck. I don't have one - he does. He was sick. I made him chicken soup. I feel bad for him. He is raising two small children alone. I know I have challenges, but mine are at least old enough that I have the opportunity to go do things if I want to or need to. He's relatively stuck as most people with small children are.

I can't save him. I don't even want to. I am finding my desire to save people is gone. I can give to people, but I can't fix things that are broken in their lives.

I realized that I was waiting for my life to go back to "normal". For four years. I was not waiting for the ex to come home. But I was waiting for SOMETHING to fix what has been broken around here. Battling up hill.

Really what has been needed has been me. I am the same but changed. I used to be fairly organized and anal. Now I battle disasters on a daily basis. I don't feel like I can get caught up. I'm trying. The last few weeks I have developed a weekend routine again - cleaning house on Saturdays. I used to do this regularly and find myself re-establishing it. It feels good. I do have to say part of it is a lack of being on the phone or WITH Mr. Boyfriend. He was very time consuming. Is it supposed to be like that? I don't know. It is so good to have time to get reintouch with me, my home, my children. It feels good to discover my own patterns and habits and routines without the disruption of an emotional rollercoaster ride.

I don't know exactly how I got to the place where I could let this go, but it is good that I am. I still have no interest in any man. In being anything other than friends. I am so damn tired. I have never been in this place before, where even the thought of a "relationship" irritates me. The idea of someone wanting and needing and demanding and finding fault is such a huge turn off that I am completely disinterested. I find that interesting. I haven't been here for 20 years. Weird.

I baked a caked tonight for no particular reason. It makes the kids feel good when something bakes in the oven and they get an unexpected treat. It's strange that I even thought of it. A bedtime snack like they used to have when they were little. Just so I don't eat it :-)