Single Parent Hell Number Two

Single Parent Hell Revisited

I want to respond to a reader’s comment regarding my previous post. First, I have to say this…I am the worlds most disorganized person.  I attempt to counter this with dedicating entire notebooks to lists that I make.  Or did anyway. Now, lists simply stress me out. I use my daily planner, plug in the essentials and a few of the extras and go for it. I used to be a huge list maker. When I had time to actually do anything on the list. Now I make a list and freak out because I’m not getting anything on it done. I used to be sure this would pass.  I am beginning to believe that it won’t.

Every time I turn around at work I’m being given more hours. Which is wonderful – it means more money. But it means less time. I am watching for a management position, so turning things down is not in my best interest.  Besides, as dumb as my job is, I really like what I’m doing…I’ll write about that later because it confuses me and I need to sort through it.

Mr. Boyfriend

As for Mr. Boyfriend…this reader commented that perhaps “it” isn’t there yet.  I have been thinking about this a great deal. Being as overwhelmed as I have been made me wonder if getting remarried would alleviate this situation any.  But then…how does one get to the point of remarrying? Why would a man marry a woman with three children, one of which is Attila the Hun? If I were a man, there is no way I would opt to live with my oldest.

I know a woman who’s boyfriend wanted her to move in with he and his son. She was considering it – NOT because she loved him and wanted to spend the rest of her life with him – but because she wanted to go back to school and knew she would need help with her kids. I can see WHY a woman would do this, but it’s a tad too pragmatic for me. I guess I’m too stubborn to ever look at love and romance that way. Plus, the abusive nature of my former marriage makes me hesitate for a long while about any commitment.

So is it there yet with Mr. Boyfriend? He and I were talking about this the other day, actually.  No, it’s not. I don’t know what this means. I don’t know if this is a commentary on him or on I or on both of us.  Maybe he doesn’t feel that way about me. Maybe I don’t feel that way about him. Maybe I’ll never trust a man enough to open my family up to him.  It’s one thing for a woman to open HERSELF up to a man, but when it comes to our children it can be a different story.  We are a whole lot more protective.

In reality, a wise woman once said to me that my oldest probably NEEDS Mr. Boyfriend. She invited him over at Christmas time and hugged him goodbye when he left (bizarre behavior for her). He made her soup when she was sick last week (I MIGHT marry him for his cooking ability). I know she needs a male role model in her life – I just don’t want her to get hurt again. I don’t close my kids off from him, I just haven’t truly opened it all the way up.

Never Alone

The Barlow Girls sing a song called “Never Alone” which I listen to when I desperately need reassurance.  I know that I am never alone. But this reader’s comment made me really think about this.

Do I really believe that God is always there? If he were, wouldn’t he send me HELP? The answer is YES, He would. If I open myself up to it. If I believe. If I have faith. I have not had faith in this area. Instead I have been whining and complaining. Maybe I ought to take it to Him instead of wallowing in it all.  So thanks for the reminder, whoever you are!!

THE JOB

There are those that read this blog who have known me for many years. I say this because perhaps you might have answers that I don’t.  I have, for the last few months, been working as a merchandiser for Disney. I track inventory, make sure stores put new releases at the place with the best visibility, etc. It’s a dumb job.  About two months ago I realized that I had created relationships with the people in the stores I was doing. It became FUN because of the people. I loved walking in and joking around with them. Or the girl that screwed all my stuff up at Best Buy – she’s management, but extremely young. I knew she was a problem – fun, for me, was figuring out how to get her to like me and do what I wanted her to do.

So I’m doing this a crazy number of hours a week. My schedule is insane. I don’t have time, really, for anything else. I’m making more money than I did before (which is still not enough) and enjoying myself.  

But it’s not rocket science and I guess I thought, what with the degree and all, that I should be building rockets.

Additionally, I think it is incredibly bizarre that I am truly enjoying this. The running from store to store is exhausting. But I am having so much FUN with the people. I have been functioning as an introvert for many, many years. Was I an extrovert before? I think so. Before having children, before the ex…I think I was.  It’s emerging again.

When I first met my new boss (interview) he told me that upon meeting me he knew I could go into any type of sales I wanted to and be successful. Maybe. I do a great first impression (most of the time). Then he suggested to me that, like him, I apply for a management position within the company when one opens up.

I just don’t know. Am I an extrovert or an introvert? I don’t know anymore. My kids say that since I’ve gotten divorced I’ve become much zanier. That’s the word they use. I joke and laugh. Sitting at the dinner table with me NOW is much, much different than it ever was when the five of us would sit together.  I have changed.  But THAT much??