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Location: Wisconsin, United States

"There is a secret set within each of our hearts...It is simply the desire for life as it was meant to be... Seasons may pass until it surfaces again. And though it seems to taunt us, and may at times cause us great pain, we know when it returns that it is priceless. For if we could recover this desire, unearth it from beneath all other distractions, and embrace it as our deepest treasure, we would discover the secret of our existance." -John Eldredge, The Journey of Desire

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Emotional Growth or More of the Same?

Alright, here. I'm going to dive right in with a bit from a letter I recently sent a friend of mine. It's heavy. Only continue reading if you want to get mud on the hem of your coat or skirt or pants or whatever it is you might hypothetically be wearing.

"Since I have experienced both infidelity and abuse I compared the way the two feel. Infidelity? It's like having your insides ripped out. It's like losing your mind for brief periods. It's agony. It's someone squeezing your heart until you can't take it anymore. It's feeling compared to other men or woman and coming up short and NEVER EVER being able to kill that feeling that maybe you just aren't enough. It's fear.

Abuse? At the end of the cycle (years into it), it's all about controlling things so they don't get to that point. And then when they do, it's your fault because you failed to control the environment. The moment of contact, whether it's a hand wrapped around a throat, a head bashed into a wall or a door...it's relief. It's the inevitable. Your life flashes before your eyes because you know that this might be the moment you accidentally die. He wouldn't intend to kill you, it would be an accident. But it could happen. Blame. You are to blame for what happens because you did something which made him that mad. It really is that simple. So you take responsibility for it. Later, when he decides he wants to be intimate, you cry. There is no way you can get anything out of it. Your limbs are nearly frozen and you have to tell yourself to loosen up. He quit apologizing years ago. He is simply taking. It is not as if your heart is being squeezed, not as if you've lost your mind, not like infidelity. It's like having your soul sucked out of your body and being left in your body anyway, trapped. It's like being left behind.

I would rather deal with infidelity any day. I can say that, having dealt with both. At least you feel alive when someone is cheating on you. You know you are because you hurt so much. But with abuse you have to force yourself to go dead inside. And pretend. "

Did You Think I Was Kidding?

Mr. Boyfriend brought me flowers and candy and a necklace on Valentines Day. He knows how to get into my house when no one is home - and this is ok. I'm the one that showed him. I came into the house at 5:45 and these things were on the kitchen table. I think I've been having a flashback ever since. Seriously. Not a delusionary sort of flashback, but one where I get stuck in a certain feeling. It was ok that he did what he did. But I am funny about my space. The ex terrorized me - I never left my house over night for fear he would come in and do SOMETHING - and I learned from experience that he WOULD. So I'm goofy about my house. Mr. Boyfriend did not realize this. So, I tried to set my feelings aside - but first I asked him if it was in fact HIM that came in (no card) and this upset HIM. How many men are in my life? (And he's off...)

(Sigh.) I tried to say "thank you" without letting the fact that I was weirding out get in the way and failed. So now we are dealing with this. Seperately. He doesn't get it. I can't explain it. I don't really WANT to explain it. I just want it ALL TO GO AWAY!!! But, of course, I know it won't.

So I wrote the above to him, to try to explain the differences in the experience. Somehow writing it helped. It reminded me that I no longer live that way. I am nolonger trapped.

What Else Is There?

I just am not doing well. c.f. said something in his comment about me being strong. I don't get that. I am not. I am weak. There. I've said it. I stayed with this asshole for 16 years. Had he not LEFT me for another women, I would have continued with the charade indefinitely. I am not strong. I'm a dipshit. That's what I am. Look - even my language is taking a nose dive.

My house, it's a disaster again. It's depressing. My job - it's the dumbest thing on the face of the earth, but still I am enjoying it. I think the reason I enjoy it is it provides me time to think and is social enough that I can pretend I'm really happier than I am.

So I called my pastor/counselor/friend and told him I needed help. He literally told me he'd catch me if I fell. I love that man. No one else has ever said that to me and meant it. And I know for a fact that he would do everything in his power to do exactly what he said he would. He cares.

So there has to be more than this. There has to be more then getting up, going to work, taking care of kids and doing it again and again and again. My life seems to be losing meaning. That's a bad thing. Is this a further consequence of divorce? I think so. Not divorce, but the stuff which I've been through. I am not strong. I'm dim witted. I am not on my feet yet. I pretend I am. But I'm not. And I'm beginning to wonder if I ever will be.

The Angry Woman

What I don't want to become is the typical angry single mother. I really don't. I don't want to become cynical. But I find myself heading there. That frightens me. I want to remain somewhat innocent. I want to see the good in people. I want to be enthusiastic and encouraged and delighted to be alive. But instead I feel...down. Depressed. Frightened. Alone. Angry. Tired.
I need an injection of SOMETHING. Tequila, anyone?

(And with that, I'm taking a leap and publishing without spell checking - how do you like that donnavera? I imagine the thought makes you cringe :-)

1 Comments:

Blogger Donna Vera said...

Oh, I think I can look the other way just this once... :-) I wish I could see you more often, I miss hanging out!

2:37 AM  

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