After a Lifetime, It Hits the Fan
I made an appointment today with the counselor my oldest daughter went to for several months. It’s for next week.
This last week, since Valentine’s Day, has been very tough. Mr. Boyfriend and I have talked, but remain broken up. We are doing a radio show together starting in the next month and have been friends for too long to toss it completely. But it is apparent that I am NOT ready for a relationship.
Oddly enough, it is not the situation with Mr. Boyfriend which has been weighing on my mind. I felt violated by his entrance into my home on Valentine’s Day, I knew the gifts were from him, but I felt like the ex had been in my house, I suppose, because of the sense of violation I attribute to him. I remained in this sort of emotional flashback until Friday. At which point I met with Mr. Boyfriend and we confronted each other. Even that didn’t get to me.
But somewhere along the line I started to think about my brother’s three failed marriages and the fact that I stayed in an abusive marriage for 15+ years. My brother and I, we are getting something out of this garbage…what?
I have decided that it is most likely an inability to be close to someone. Truly close. One must be vulnerable and safe to be intimate with another human, and I doubt he or I ever truly make ourselves vulnerable – we never feel safe enough to do that. We can never be intimate – it’s a vicious cycle. Gee, where did we learn this?
And then I started remembering all the things I thought I’d put away on a shelf – violence with my father, my mothers choice to stay with him regardless of what went on…
Before I met my husband I was working on these things. In counseling. I have had so much counseling over the years in an effort to fix me and therefore fix my marriage. I am sad. My marriage was perfect for me – it kept me from getting too close to anyone. But now I am out of it and someday I want to be truly intimate with someone. I need to look at this garbage. I need to drag it all out.
I have moments where I feel pretty good. I know I am moving on with my life now. I know I am doing what I should be doing. Putting one foot in front of the other. And then I have moments like now, where I finally cry for all the shit that I allowed. The biggest betrayal of all was done by me.
This last week, since Valentine’s Day, has been very tough. Mr. Boyfriend and I have talked, but remain broken up. We are doing a radio show together starting in the next month and have been friends for too long to toss it completely. But it is apparent that I am NOT ready for a relationship.
Oddly enough, it is not the situation with Mr. Boyfriend which has been weighing on my mind. I felt violated by his entrance into my home on Valentine’s Day, I knew the gifts were from him, but I felt like the ex had been in my house, I suppose, because of the sense of violation I attribute to him. I remained in this sort of emotional flashback until Friday. At which point I met with Mr. Boyfriend and we confronted each other. Even that didn’t get to me.
But somewhere along the line I started to think about my brother’s three failed marriages and the fact that I stayed in an abusive marriage for 15+ years. My brother and I, we are getting something out of this garbage…what?
I have decided that it is most likely an inability to be close to someone. Truly close. One must be vulnerable and safe to be intimate with another human, and I doubt he or I ever truly make ourselves vulnerable – we never feel safe enough to do that. We can never be intimate – it’s a vicious cycle. Gee, where did we learn this?
And then I started remembering all the things I thought I’d put away on a shelf – violence with my father, my mothers choice to stay with him regardless of what went on…
Before I met my husband I was working on these things. In counseling. I have had so much counseling over the years in an effort to fix me and therefore fix my marriage. I am sad. My marriage was perfect for me – it kept me from getting too close to anyone. But now I am out of it and someday I want to be truly intimate with someone. I need to look at this garbage. I need to drag it all out.
I have moments where I feel pretty good. I know I am moving on with my life now. I know I am doing what I should be doing. Putting one foot in front of the other. And then I have moments like now, where I finally cry for all the shit that I allowed. The biggest betrayal of all was done by me.
posted by New Day | 7:33 PM
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