The Relationship That Never Was

The morning sun rises
Murky clouds cover sunlight
While birds sing praise, another day dawns.

I rise, drive the rug rats. Load the dishes.
Prepare for my vocation.
Freedom and hurt accompany me all the while.

Two years of struggle.
Being wrong, saying wrong, acting wrong.
Yet love existed in the 10 years passed.

He believes I am something I am not.
And I must go because of it.
He believes this not because of me, but because of him.
The ensuing games disruptive.

I tried. I know that I tried.
But to continue to try alone: not my responsibility.

I look to the future and fool myself
I am not ready for someone new.

I remember thinking once before
That I would never want someone else.
I was wrong. I wanted him.
It will come when God wills it.
I will remain open to it.

He yammers about 90 days.
All his rules. Even in his absence he wishes
For me to follow his RULES –
In his eyes I fail.
In my heart I do not.
90 days. Silly man.

Who can put a time frame on emotions?
Who can say, “In 90 days I will be done grieving.”
I cannot fool myself any longer.
I have much to grieve. Much I have not grieved before.

In the slowness of the morning light
With birdsong as my theme
I face the sadness with hope.
Maybe in the depths of hurt
There will be healing.
If I heal, there may be a future
Unlike my past.

I turn to the other, in my mind.
The loss of my best friend,
What would have been my lifetime companion.
Face his marriage next week.
And I know that what was between
This man and I was nothing comparatively.
Physical attraction does not really compete.

I have been wandering in the wilderness
Not understanding why I was lost.
Cleaving to whatever I could.
I am ok alone.

The boy has grown and marries a new wife.
I am left alone.
This is what God wants.
This is God’s will.
God is just and good and provides for all things.
I trust.

I am attractive and could easily have someone new.
I know this well.
But I want what I had before – only different.
I want to be known. I miss being known.
The spouse, though he railed against responsibility,
Knew me.
He was a boy. It is difficult to stay angry with a boy.
I want him to be free and happy. I love him. I have always loved him.

Love can be a confusing thing.
I am not in love with the boy. I do not want him HERE.
I miss him being HERE, to be sure. In what once was our home.
With our children. Being a family. I miss that.
I miss his sense of humor and his drive. His alertness and intelligence.
His ability to communicate. And the way we knew what the other was thinking
Even when separated by thousands of miles.

But in my world, he never became a man.
He knows it, I know it.
I grieve. Finally.

The man, he never knew me.
His own prejudices blocking him from intimacy.
I expected that he would learn, would look, would see.
Would offer himself up so openly that I would know his heart and mind.
He did not. He could not.
In the end, I walk away knowing that I did not have what I wanted.

But it is a loss anyway.
Not so hard to let go of as the other loss. Not so difficult.
Still painful. Unrealized dreams. Unnecessary hurts.

I think about the new one. The possibility with the adorable smile.
And I think perhaps when my grief is somewhat abated, I will call.

I know what I want in a much clearer way.
I know what to look for.
I was so sure that faith in a man would make him good.
But we are all human. All struggling.
You can’t always trust the man with the fish on his trunk.
This possibility – in hope let me describe him:
Tall. Dark wavy hair – worn short, but not too short.
Intelligent looking. Funny. Confident. Outgoing. Active. Lanky.
Funny. An ego that appears to be healthy and normal. Successful.
A good communicator in both spoken and written word.

That is all I know. My conversations have not been lengthy.
I rebuffed him. Turned him down for the sake of the relationship which never was.
When I am further healed, I will intentionally display signals. Interest.

But I am not healed yet. It will take some time.
I am tired. Exhausted. Not emotionally available.
I know this without a doubt.
It is good to know there are possibilities. A future.
But I cannot move now.
Now I must face the pain, the hurt, the grief.
Walk right into it. So they tell me.

The sun, fully risen now, leaks through the clouds.
I am not happy. But I am not unhappy.
The day begins.