He Keeps Showing Up
God. I'm referencing God.
There are days I realize that He has handed me what I need. He keeps opening doors for me.
A decade ago I wrote a poem (long since lost when a computer crashed) about someday standing on a ledge without an abusive male standing over me and holding me back. I am there.
What a strange thing to realize that the power to stand on that ledge was always within me. THEY weren't holding me back, I was. I stood there and took it - out of duty, out of some imagined guilt, out of low self asteem. Out of the need for validation from another human, particularly a male.
There is a growing part of me that is saying NO MORE. There is such peace in having a life without that stuff. God wants that for me. Obviously - because he keeps opening doors for me. He keeps taking care of me so that I can learn and grow and stand on my own two feet.
Today I made a decision. I am going to give myself the summer. A gift. I deserve a gift. I am going to take this summer and enjoy my kids, my friends, my hobbies. I am going to - for the first time do whatever it is I want to do. Take off. Stay home. Talk to whomever I want to talk to. Do things that I want to do. Not consult with someone about what is ok or not ok - except me. I am going to experiment and fly. For the first time in my life.
Mr. Boyfriend is gone. I have cut the apron string. I can not have that in my life anymore. The ups and downs and ins and outs and blaming and controling and accusations. I just can't do it anymore. My tolerance level broke a while back - he said something which triggered a nasty flashback and that was the absolute end of it for me. He has sent me emails since then, text messages, voice mails - absolutely without regard to the fact that when he did this crap before it kicked off a flashback - he doesn't care. Who I am, what I have been through, these things don't matter to him. All that matters is that he continues down the same road he has been going down for years. I was simply the vehicle by which he stayed the same. And I suppose he was that for me. I continued to feel bad about myself, continued to feel "not good enough".
Well, I want to be happy. God wants me to be happy. God knows what I have been through, what I have faced, how hard I have worked to do the right thing (which was the wrong thing, really). God wants me to be free to fly, to be truly in His image. I cannot do that mirred in shame and blame and living in a box.
So He keeps opening the box for me and handing me the tools with which to climb out and stay out. It's a process. A process I will tell you about as I go.
It has been since November that I have been without Internet access. Tomorrow I should be up and running again. I will blog again because it was such a wonderful thing before and I have missed it. Much has happened. Much has changed.
I am on my way.
There are days I realize that He has handed me what I need. He keeps opening doors for me.
A decade ago I wrote a poem (long since lost when a computer crashed) about someday standing on a ledge without an abusive male standing over me and holding me back. I am there.
What a strange thing to realize that the power to stand on that ledge was always within me. THEY weren't holding me back, I was. I stood there and took it - out of duty, out of some imagined guilt, out of low self asteem. Out of the need for validation from another human, particularly a male.
There is a growing part of me that is saying NO MORE. There is such peace in having a life without that stuff. God wants that for me. Obviously - because he keeps opening doors for me. He keeps taking care of me so that I can learn and grow and stand on my own two feet.
Today I made a decision. I am going to give myself the summer. A gift. I deserve a gift. I am going to take this summer and enjoy my kids, my friends, my hobbies. I am going to - for the first time do whatever it is I want to do. Take off. Stay home. Talk to whomever I want to talk to. Do things that I want to do. Not consult with someone about what is ok or not ok - except me. I am going to experiment and fly. For the first time in my life.
Mr. Boyfriend is gone. I have cut the apron string. I can not have that in my life anymore. The ups and downs and ins and outs and blaming and controling and accusations. I just can't do it anymore. My tolerance level broke a while back - he said something which triggered a nasty flashback and that was the absolute end of it for me. He has sent me emails since then, text messages, voice mails - absolutely without regard to the fact that when he did this crap before it kicked off a flashback - he doesn't care. Who I am, what I have been through, these things don't matter to him. All that matters is that he continues down the same road he has been going down for years. I was simply the vehicle by which he stayed the same. And I suppose he was that for me. I continued to feel bad about myself, continued to feel "not good enough".
Well, I want to be happy. God wants me to be happy. God knows what I have been through, what I have faced, how hard I have worked to do the right thing (which was the wrong thing, really). God wants me to be free to fly, to be truly in His image. I cannot do that mirred in shame and blame and living in a box.
So He keeps opening the box for me and handing me the tools with which to climb out and stay out. It's a process. A process I will tell you about as I go.
It has been since November that I have been without Internet access. Tomorrow I should be up and running again. I will blog again because it was such a wonderful thing before and I have missed it. Much has happened. Much has changed.
I am on my way.
posted by New Day | 10:05 AM
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