.comment-link {margin-left:.6em;}
Location: Wisconsin, United States

"There is a secret set within each of our hearts...It is simply the desire for life as it was meant to be... Seasons may pass until it surfaces again. And though it seems to taunt us, and may at times cause us great pain, we know when it returns that it is priceless. For if we could recover this desire, unearth it from beneath all other distractions, and embrace it as our deepest treasure, we would discover the secret of our existance." -John Eldredge, The Journey of Desire

Friday, May 25, 2007

He Keeps Showing Up

God. I'm referencing God.

There are days I realize that He has handed me what I need. He keeps opening doors for me.

A decade ago I wrote a poem (long since lost when a computer crashed) about someday standing on a ledge without an abusive male standing over me and holding me back. I am there.

What a strange thing to realize that the power to stand on that ledge was always within me. THEY weren't holding me back, I was. I stood there and took it - out of duty, out of some imagined guilt, out of low self asteem. Out of the need for validation from another human, particularly a male.

There is a growing part of me that is saying NO MORE. There is such peace in having a life without that stuff. God wants that for me. Obviously - because he keeps opening doors for me. He keeps taking care of me so that I can learn and grow and stand on my own two feet.

Today I made a decision. I am going to give myself the summer. A gift. I deserve a gift. I am going to take this summer and enjoy my kids, my friends, my hobbies. I am going to - for the first time do whatever it is I want to do. Take off. Stay home. Talk to whomever I want to talk to. Do things that I want to do. Not consult with someone about what is ok or not ok - except me. I am going to experiment and fly. For the first time in my life.

Mr. Boyfriend is gone. I have cut the apron string. I can not have that in my life anymore. The ups and downs and ins and outs and blaming and controling and accusations. I just can't do it anymore. My tolerance level broke a while back - he said something which triggered a nasty flashback and that was the absolute end of it for me. He has sent me emails since then, text messages, voice mails - absolutely without regard to the fact that when he did this crap before it kicked off a flashback - he doesn't care. Who I am, what I have been through, these things don't matter to him. All that matters is that he continues down the same road he has been going down for years. I was simply the vehicle by which he stayed the same. And I suppose he was that for me. I continued to feel bad about myself, continued to feel "not good enough".

Well, I want to be happy. God wants me to be happy. God knows what I have been through, what I have faced, how hard I have worked to do the right thing (which was the wrong thing, really). God wants me to be free to fly, to be truly in His image. I cannot do that mirred in shame and blame and living in a box.

So He keeps opening the box for me and handing me the tools with which to climb out and stay out. It's a process. A process I will tell you about as I go.

It has been since November that I have been without Internet access. Tomorrow I should be up and running again. I will blog again because it was such a wonderful thing before and I have missed it. Much has happened. Much has changed.

I am on my way.


Post a Comment

<< Home