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Location: Wisconsin, United States

"There is a secret set within each of our hearts...It is simply the desire for life as it was meant to be... Seasons may pass until it surfaces again. And though it seems to taunt us, and may at times cause us great pain, we know when it returns that it is priceless. For if we could recover this desire, unearth it from beneath all other distractions, and embrace it as our deepest treasure, we would discover the secret of our existance." -John Eldredge, The Journey of Desire

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Step Six and Five and Four

I realized something today. Those that have read what I've written in previous posts know this isn't unusual. I realize things all the time. But wait...let me catch us all up on what has happened to me...

Last August I got married. I met the right one, I trusted myself enough to know it, and I married him. I have been busy adjusting to being married - I had finally adjusted to being single (as I understand it, that's how it goes). I've moved. My house is for sale. The kitchen sink is broken again. I am aware of it and made the choice to leave it be.

I am working a program. On step six. Step four was a dousy. Step five was cathartic. And now on to step six. Meanwhile I am sitting in a place not unlike where I was the last time I posted. I am breathing. I am accepting. I feel fairly peaceful.

Step four was around work. I realized while doing it, that I have done it before - with the counselor guru. This time, I did it around the thing I have wrestled with since I was small. Work. Whether it be school or a vocation. My ego. My self asteem. Who I was really trying to impress.

And I discovered it was still Dad. And so here I am again - having thought that I must start a new blog, leave the old behind and start over. I have discovered that we simply circle back. So the wackiness that is in these pages must exist somewhere - I lived them. They brought me here, to a place where I feel peace and happiness. And a sureness that says it's ok to dig deep.

So I did. And for a week I fought the neurosis of what I once was. Then I purged it with a sponsor and now I am rolling in the aftermath.

And I have discovered that I do not really like what I do. For a living.