The Crazies and a Recipe

I can’t decide if I’m a drama queen or not. I’m considering that I might be. If so, how does one reign in their emotions?

• In the last week I have visited one of my very old, very best friends and connected with another, much missed old friend.


• I’ve connected with Mr. Boyfriend a number of times, each time he displayed intense, direct interest in me as “relationship material”, among other things.


• My ex-father in law had a heart attack and triple bypass. He was like a father to me. I was not allowed at the hospital.  My emotions surrounding this were severe – loss and fear intermingled.


• One of my best friends cheating husband came home from Iraq. She had to confront her anger with him. This is heart wrenching. I knew it was coming, having walked that road, and I know what’s coming next, whether she stays or goes. Yuck.


• My brother has decided to live in Appleton. He up and left his wife and stepchild and insists he wants a divorce. Another woman? Who can say? If not, why that city of all places? My parents, God bless them, have made it clear that he is wrong and screwed up and not to come home till he gets it together. Oh, and I’m to back them up (!!).


• My sister-in-law, of the missing brother, came to visit.


• My oldest daughter spent time with her Dad this weekend. She’s not impressed. I am worried about her. His focus right now is gaining his family’s approval. I am worried she will get hurt. This is the first he has really spoken to her in months and he immediately started teaching her “lessons”.  


• Mr. Boyfriend came over and was an insensitive clod in front of my sister-in-law. I have not spoken to him since (last evening). I suspect he will be mad at me when I do talk to him. Details of cloddishness are unimportant.  Reasons are mysterious. Facts, however, are facts.


• My middle child has been crabby and moody. She is unable to tell me why.


• My oldest came home from school with three D’s. My middle child had all A’s with the exception of one B (which she was upset about).

I am exhausted emotionally. Wiped. I feel sad. I feel scared. I felt alone for the first time in a long time, today. I had to remind myself I was not, that it was not me who had gotten me this far; it was by God’s grace. I missed Church this morning because my brother’s wife was here. I’ve done the whole hockey practice thing twice this weekend. My son is not feeling well and I suspect will be home from school tomorrow.

I’m all peopled out. I’m irritated with Mr. Boyfriend, my brother, my ex, and my ex’s family. And myself.  I want normalcy. How do I get it?

Do I…

• Stop working for and being friends with Mr. Boyfriend?


• Cut off all contact with the ex-in-laws?


• Ground my daughter forever?


• Write off my brother and adopt the wife?


• Stop being there for my friends when they need me?

Of those, I am willing to cut off all contact with the ex-in-laws and consider moving in the next year. Moving where? I don’t know. My brother’s wife has a 10,000 sq.ft. house with an indoor pool and only two people living in it. I could go there.  That’s been an open offer for the last year. I think that would make me crazy. I can’t share space like that.

As for Mr. Boyfriend…I know what I said before. But here’s the thing – I’m just not that worried about it. Should I be? No. My boundaries are intact. Starved for physical contact I am, but not desperate any more. Tired. I’m very tired. I’ve been treading water for a week. Tonight I eat comfort food, drink tea, and take a warm shower and go to bed with a book.  I will worry about the rest tomorrow.

Comfort Food

We all have some sort of comfort food that we eat, often times it’s something our mothers fixed when we were growing up. My middle daughter’s all time favorite comfort food is a casserole I learned to make out of desperation.

I thought that I would share this rather simple recipe, which is incredibly difficult to screw up. When my ex and I were both in college at a private religious school (with two small children), we often received groceries from the school food pantry that was stocked by local churches. I learned to cook from boxes and cans.

Macaroni and cheese quickly got old. Venison was another staple (Wisconsin, you know).  I made mac and cheese as directed, mixed it with ground venison (or beef) browned with onions and garlic, drained a can of chopped tomatoes, threw in garlic powder, salt and pepper and chili powder and mixed it all up. I sprinkled shredded cheddar and sliced black olives on the top. Cooked for 25 minutes at 325 degrees.

Tonight, I used whatever I had on hand. I threw some mushrooms (fresh) and red and black pepper flakes in with the hamburger. I used the usual canned tomatoes and mac and cheese. Onion powder, salt and pepper, roasted garlic cloves, chili powder and more red and black pepper flakes.  Shredded Monterey Jack cheese on top.  It smells heavenly. Maybe I’m easy to please.