The Ickies
For a while now, I've been waking up feeling empty and icky. Is it Mr. Boyfriend and the loss of hope for the romantic side of our relationship? Is it my cat and the fact that he's probably no longer alive? Is it the loss of my job? How 'bout divorce and the subcatagories of that? Is it money?
It's all of it. Yesterday it was divorce stuff. This morning it's Mr. Boyfriend. We are officially just friends. Should I find some other name for him? Not yet. A friend of mine suggested that what I am mourning is the loss of hope for something wonderful with him. This is accurate.
Get this: I chatted with him last night and told him how I was feeling. I did not mention the loss of our relationship because I was TALKING to him, so obviously I haven't lost him. Only I have, in another sense. He said that he woke up with the ickies that morning, also.
(Big sigh.)
I put a call in to him, suggesting that perhaps we should talk about this, if nothing else so I know if I'm just supposed to pretend when I talk to him that I don't feel this way. I have no clue as to how this game is played. I'm dumb when it comes to game playing. I can win a putting-my-head-in-the-sand contest, hands down, but I can't play games. How am I going to survive out there in the big world by myself? A therapist once told me, actually told me, that I should go take an acting class. If I feel something it's on my face. If I'm cognizant of a feeling, I usually talk about it. An acting class, indeed.
Additionally, there are more subtle changes going on in me. As a result of....not sure. For the last few years I have had a number of male friends. They have all gotten involved in serious relationships and so we don't really spend any time together anymore. I've always had male friends. The thing is, I'm really not interested in creating new friendships with men. This is a first.
I wonder a few things: I know that eight years ago, when my ex had his first affair, I came in contact with a true, well, bitch. Not to say that is all this woman is, but she was terribly bitchy to me and I did not deserve it. I had never dealt with a woman like that before. I think we learn that kind of bitchiness in Highschool. My friends were not like that, they were more like me. Straightforward. If we didn't like someone we just stopped communicating. We didn't gouge each others eyes out. I never learned to cope with women like this. I refuse to BE like that.
Well, not so for the infamous Sheri. She was an eye gouging, nail scratching woman. It hurt me. There is a code that I thought existed. Obviously, this was terribly dumb and innocent, but what did I know? Somehow I managed to be dumb and innocent. I thought other woman's husbands were off limits. He was the father of my children. In addition to the ex breaking my trust, my view of women as a whole, changed. I no longer trusted them. Sorry, girls.
Then, of course, there was the violence in my home, which I couldn't exactly talk about, so close friendships were few and far between, anyway.
Now, I find myself wanting to join other women in whatever it is they do when they are being social. Caring for children, scrapbooking, whatever. I want to expand my female circle of friends because I can. I'm finding that I like women. This is new. It may be bizarre that this is new, but it is.
So men are pretty much not of interest unless I'll be dating them. Will I accept a new friendship if it comes along? From a male? You bet. I'm not cutting off half the population. But ultimately, what we are all looking for is a mate. A mate should naturally take up much of the time that friends do, once that mate is found. As is the case with my current male friends. I'm kind of just shooting myself in the foot if I go that route, because eventually I'll get thrown over for someone that'll put out, right?
Right. As for Mr. Boyfriend; I'm confused. Perhaps I shouldn't have made that call. Ah, heck. Why hide who I am anymore? This is the forest I'm lost in. Games, honesty or something in the middle?
Life on my terms requires honesty. I guess I'll go that route.
It's all of it. Yesterday it was divorce stuff. This morning it's Mr. Boyfriend. We are officially just friends. Should I find some other name for him? Not yet. A friend of mine suggested that what I am mourning is the loss of hope for something wonderful with him. This is accurate.
Get this: I chatted with him last night and told him how I was feeling. I did not mention the loss of our relationship because I was TALKING to him, so obviously I haven't lost him. Only I have, in another sense. He said that he woke up with the ickies that morning, also.
(Big sigh.)
I put a call in to him, suggesting that perhaps we should talk about this, if nothing else so I know if I'm just supposed to pretend when I talk to him that I don't feel this way. I have no clue as to how this game is played. I'm dumb when it comes to game playing. I can win a putting-my-head-in-the-sand contest, hands down, but I can't play games. How am I going to survive out there in the big world by myself? A therapist once told me, actually told me, that I should go take an acting class. If I feel something it's on my face. If I'm cognizant of a feeling, I usually talk about it. An acting class, indeed.
Additionally, there are more subtle changes going on in me. As a result of....not sure. For the last few years I have had a number of male friends. They have all gotten involved in serious relationships and so we don't really spend any time together anymore. I've always had male friends. The thing is, I'm really not interested in creating new friendships with men. This is a first.
I wonder a few things: I know that eight years ago, when my ex had his first affair, I came in contact with a true, well, bitch. Not to say that is all this woman is, but she was terribly bitchy to me and I did not deserve it. I had never dealt with a woman like that before. I think we learn that kind of bitchiness in Highschool. My friends were not like that, they were more like me. Straightforward. If we didn't like someone we just stopped communicating. We didn't gouge each others eyes out. I never learned to cope with women like this. I refuse to BE like that.
Well, not so for the infamous Sheri. She was an eye gouging, nail scratching woman. It hurt me. There is a code that I thought existed. Obviously, this was terribly dumb and innocent, but what did I know? Somehow I managed to be dumb and innocent. I thought other woman's husbands were off limits. He was the father of my children. In addition to the ex breaking my trust, my view of women as a whole, changed. I no longer trusted them. Sorry, girls.
Then, of course, there was the violence in my home, which I couldn't exactly talk about, so close friendships were few and far between, anyway.
Now, I find myself wanting to join other women in whatever it is they do when they are being social. Caring for children, scrapbooking, whatever. I want to expand my female circle of friends because I can. I'm finding that I like women. This is new. It may be bizarre that this is new, but it is.
So men are pretty much not of interest unless I'll be dating them. Will I accept a new friendship if it comes along? From a male? You bet. I'm not cutting off half the population. But ultimately, what we are all looking for is a mate. A mate should naturally take up much of the time that friends do, once that mate is found. As is the case with my current male friends. I'm kind of just shooting myself in the foot if I go that route, because eventually I'll get thrown over for someone that'll put out, right?
Right. As for Mr. Boyfriend; I'm confused. Perhaps I shouldn't have made that call. Ah, heck. Why hide who I am anymore? This is the forest I'm lost in. Games, honesty or something in the middle?
Life on my terms requires honesty. I guess I'll go that route.
posted by New Day | 8:18 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home