Life Changes Again

You know how there are some things that once done, can never, ever be undone? I did one of those things today. I am not sure if it was an error or not. I’m not sure what my motivation was and I’m just not sure if I should of done it.

But, oh, well. ‘Tis Done.

I’m a traitor. I have another blog, which I have been posting to. No, no. This is not the dastardly thing, which I did which cannot be undone.  This other blog, it could be deleted, could it not? The template is pink. My, how the world has changed. Do you remember, donna vera, when we both had those pink spring jackets in the 8th grade? That’s the color pink I chose. Eventually I will reroute you there, if it becomes a thing that I stick with.

Notation

I perused my blog today and saw a recurrent theme. Do you remember the posting regarding Deficits?  Mine was the fear that I am unlovable.

Oh, gee, and then all through this thing I mention that I don’t think Mr. Boyfriend returns my feelings.

And THEN, when he says that he is capable of going back to just being friends…I say, enough. I can’t do anymore.

I can trace this trait all the way back to boyfriends in High school.  Although, frankly, no one ever broke up with me. Not even my idiot husband broke up with me…I did it. Is this significant?

Tomorrow I go back to this counselor I started seeing last week. I have been reading a book she recommended called Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge. It is absolutely wonderful.  I really like this counselor – she is my age and has one more child than I do. And she cries. I tell her facts and she cries. And then I cry (I wouldn’t otherwise, damnit). I leave the thing exhausted.

From there I am joining a gym. This weekend was an interesting one. I’ve had several older women who have “been through hell” tell me it’s the only way to keep ones sanity as a single mother. Natural anti-depressants, time for myself, etc. I can’t do the real deal, I don’t have time. So I’m going to do one of those circuit deals. 30 minutes. One of those places where it’s all women and I won’t have to deal with men looking at women in their little thongs. Also, I don’t know where the ex’s affair #4 is working and she is an aerobics/yoga instructor.  When one is fighting middle age garbage, one doesn’t need to be looking at another chick who’s name ends in “y” or “i”.

Yeah, yeah. I am avoiding things.

Here’s the Deal

Alright, here’s the scoop. Mr. Boyfriend and I are done, I think.  It’s a combination of things and rather mutual, believe it or not. I can’t take the ambiguity. And he keeps thinking I’m interested in other men.  I’m not. But we’ve gone here before. He doesn’t want to go here again and I simply, well, have this whole deficit thing…if he loved me, I needed to hear the words.

Ironically, I feel rather unapologetic about being needy in that area. I think most people are.  So I gotta think I was right.  And you know what? I’m oddly ok with that. Ok, fine…I’m not. I’ve had my moment curled up in bed, crying, and asking myself what the hell is wrong with me that men simply can not fall in love with me that way.

Then, I HEARD what I was asking and told myself to shut up. That was ridiculous. That was old stuff. Tapes. From the ex-husband. “I just don’t think I love you like a husband should love a wife.”

Hhhmmm. Ok, yeah. A little bitter. But the ex did me a favor. I am happier now. I can’t tell you how wonderful it is to walk through life NOT HIDING ANYTHING. It is amazing. I will elaborate so you know what I am referring to…if you haven’t read previous posts, anyway. Every day that passes, I feel a little lighter.  I did not realize what my relationship with him did to me.  Every day my life was full of things I could not tell anyone. Whether it was violence, or some sort of nastiness to another human, or he broke a law or there was some sort of lie he told that I was supposed to back up…list goes on and on.

So I don’t so much mind on many levels that he realized he didn’t love me that way.

But Mr. Boyfriend? I like and admire him. I respect him. Our relationship was moody and unsure some of the time, but lots and lots of fun other times. And he was a great friend in many ways. But I needed to hear the words. I needed to feel it.

So this is what I am avoiding. This whole thing. He is gone. He will not read emails or talk to me. I gave him an open invitation to come here and see where all I’ve been these last six months…he will not, I am sure. I am gone. Buh-bye.  

A new friend of mine, who has been through something similar said to me “You need to stop worrying so much about whether people like you or not. They either are going to like you or they aren’t and there isn’t going to be much you can do about it.”  This was in relation to my romantic life. Another zinger. Am I THAT bad? That obvious?  That pathetic??

And the Future Holds…

You know what I’m going to do? I am not going to date anyone. I have no inclination. Mr. Boyfriend was a special case – I have said that before. But I am tired. This just fried me again. He doesn’t LIKE me like that and I wanted him to.  I’m going to focus on other things like my kids. My faith. My history and getting my head straight. Creating friendships I can count on. Creating a network of friends who need me as much as I need them. Developing, oh, gee, a self esteem. I have a plan.

A Woman’s Heart

I know I am doing better because I bought a rug for my family room. I have been in a variety of houses this weekend where the decorating was well done and extremely creative. I used to enjoy that. I used to like doing woodworking and building furniture, etc.  So I bought a rug. Everything in the family room, like me previously, was beige. This thing is black and maroon and gold and purple. Sound loud and obnoxious? It is. Now I have a color scheme. Purple is my favorite color anyway. So now I can paint the walls and buy throw pillows and paint the piano and rebuild the fireplace mantle somehow.  (I think probably the only one person I know that would like what I’m planning is Mr. Boyfriend…but OH will need to rework that thought process, eh?)

FINE, CALL ME A LIAR

I’m chasing myself in circles. I am going grieve this relationship, aren’t I? Can’t I, you know, just skip that part?  Please?

How do I feel? Really? Frightened. Not to be alone - I actually think that’ll be ok. I experimented this weekend. I refused to stay home and mope. I still am able to drum up entertainment and people to hang with. I was not married, but not single for waaaay too long. I do alone pretty well. And now, friendships I create can become solid ones because I have nothing to hide anymore.

So what is it I’m afraid of? Pain. This is going to hurt. I love him. He was my best friend. This is going to hurt. I am going to stay so damn busy and so damn social that I only cry in bed at night. I am going to manage this, this time. I know what to expect. I know where to go (God, Jesus). There will be a difference this time; I know I am not alone. I know what I need. I know I’ll be ok. I just am REALLY not looking forward to crawling into bed at night or driving in my car long distances. I’m going to support the Kleenex industry. Goody.

So I’m a liar.  I won’t be skipping through the tulips. And why did this happen? Oh, yeah. Because I don’t think he’s in love with me, and he thinks I was out screwing around (see previous posts so you can understand why I snicker at that). Boy, that’s just conflict waiting to happen.

Alright, I’m done. I’ve poured out my soul and babbled. I could be like this for a while…check back often. I’m off to venture out into the snow for what I hope will be the last time in a while…