Fooled Again
Saturday morning and the sun is out. Yahoo!
Mr. Boyfriend and I are on the fritz again. I did a no-no last night and went out with with some friends - who are male. Never mind that they are both twenty years older then me and glower at anyone who hits on me or who they think I might be flirting with...Mr. Boyfriend, of course, showed up - he knew I was out - saw my car in the parking lot. Came in, no doubt just to see what I was doing.
I realized what everybody else probably already knows. He is not in love with me. Oh, he told me he was way back in September, but he's not now. Hasn't been. The other night he told me that he could go back to just being my friend without a problem. That's the worst thing a man can say to a woman with any sort of ego.
Although the words haven't been said, I believe we are effectively over. I did not even stay in my marriage once my ex told me he wasn't sure he loved me. That was part of the end for me (there was one week where it all ended in my heart). I didn't stay. I don't stay in things when they are lopsided like this. I just don't do it. Now, when the ex LIED to me and I didn't KNOW it was lopsided, that was different...
Ok, ok. I need to explore something. How afraid do you think I am? Am I nuts? This relationship is back and forth and back and forth...I have met none of his friends, none of his siblings (have met his children). I feel like I have been segmented into only part of his life. He told me that part of the reason he is still with me is because our relationship is easy. We are effectively friends with benefits. He got his way. I did not get mine. I fooled myself.
I have a new blog dedicated strictly to any emails or letters I write him, which I might be tempted to send. I am not calling or writing him. I will miss him very much. He has been a tremendous amount of support for me. In all honesty, my friends kind of, well, they are busy. And married. And they don't get it. My family is elsewhere and older, really. Mr. Boyfriend has been it. I'll be fine, though. This time, I know I'll be ok.
Mr. Boyfriend and I are on the fritz again. I did a no-no last night and went out with with some friends - who are male. Never mind that they are both twenty years older then me and glower at anyone who hits on me or who they think I might be flirting with...Mr. Boyfriend, of course, showed up - he knew I was out - saw my car in the parking lot. Came in, no doubt just to see what I was doing.
I realized what everybody else probably already knows. He is not in love with me. Oh, he told me he was way back in September, but he's not now. Hasn't been. The other night he told me that he could go back to just being my friend without a problem. That's the worst thing a man can say to a woman with any sort of ego.
Although the words haven't been said, I believe we are effectively over. I did not even stay in my marriage once my ex told me he wasn't sure he loved me. That was part of the end for me (there was one week where it all ended in my heart). I didn't stay. I don't stay in things when they are lopsided like this. I just don't do it. Now, when the ex LIED to me and I didn't KNOW it was lopsided, that was different...
Ok, ok. I need to explore something. How afraid do you think I am? Am I nuts? This relationship is back and forth and back and forth...I have met none of his friends, none of his siblings (have met his children). I feel like I have been segmented into only part of his life. He told me that part of the reason he is still with me is because our relationship is easy. We are effectively friends with benefits. He got his way. I did not get mine. I fooled myself.
I have a new blog dedicated strictly to any emails or letters I write him, which I might be tempted to send. I am not calling or writing him. I will miss him very much. He has been a tremendous amount of support for me. In all honesty, my friends kind of, well, they are busy. And married. And they don't get it. My family is elsewhere and older, really. Mr. Boyfriend has been it. I'll be fine, though. This time, I know I'll be ok.
posted by New Day | 9:42 AM
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