I'm Still Alive!

Here I am. On a Friday night. Eating pizza (not on the diet) and drinking a glass of wine. Two boys (10 years) downstairs - more children coming later – many not my own.

My loan was approved today. I close Monday. I’m cashing money out and paying off bills – special assessment taxes and my attorney. I’ve decided to take my kids away on a long weekend (to some ranch in Michigan with horse back riding and an indoor water park).

I met my mother for lunch today. She told me that I am happier than she has ever seen me. She said I had an “air of freedom” about me that has never been there before. This is true. It’s God. He is working miracles. I can’t NOT go on and on about this, because financially there is no way I should have made it until now. By the grace of God I have been able to take time to pull myself together mentally and emotionally while doing something entirely stupid for a “living”. It’s a God thing, not a Kim thing.

I’ve given up the ghost, all, my first name is Kim. Berly. Kimberly all together.

There are days I am nearly delirious with sheer joy. Today was one of them. I realized last week, while running, that I thought I would die when the ex left. I wanted to die. I did not think I would make it without him. Of course, it being an abusive relationship – he TOLD me I wouldn’t make it without him… Guess what? I did. I have. And I am happier than I have ever been.

Mr. Boyfriend

Mr. Boyfriend broke up with me again. I am ashamed to write this. I giggle while I write it because I know it is immensely ridiculous. However, it is only slightly impairing my mood. I have decided to take it on the chin. I have decided not to compromise. I decided that I would never let anyone put me in a box again – emotionally – and I meant it. True, Mr. Boyfriend and I are friends first, and he has compromised many of his core boundaries for me – but I can’t. I can’t hide or be someone else ever again. I want to know who I am, for Heaven’s sake! I can’t do that in a relationship with someone who is not willing to see me as I am revealed…if that makes any sense?

Maybe it is realizing, as my feet pounded the pavement, that I didn’t die. Literally. It was a “Hey! I didn’t die…Oh, my gosh!! I made it! And I’m happier!!”

I’m not going to die this time, or the next time, or the next time…either. I’ll be all right no matter what. I know this seems bizarre to people…but you need to realize – until I refinanced my car into my own name in December, I had never had a loan in my own name. So many of the things most people take for granted have been firsts for me. I’m like the original housewife, unfortunately. My independence was painful, but has been glorious. And with that…. I’m off.