And On the Seventh Day...

I have to say, this was a very long week. I just need to state that. I need to put it out there – wow – completelybrunnete had a really, really long week.  

I am emotionally beat. About six weeks ago my children were all gone – I had lots of plans to go out of town, etc.  Instead, I rented movies, went to the grocery store, crawled in bed and didn’t move for two days.

I don’t have the time to do that today, this weekend, but emotionally, I’m at that point. I’m tired. Worn out.

The kids are with their father. The oldest slept at a friends last night. I took Mr. Boyfriend out for dinner.

Let me back it up – I was really tired yesterday. I went running and just didn’t have what it took – I ended up walking more than running. I went to work and had trouble keeping my eyes open.  By the time the evening rolled around, I felt a little better. A shower, a cup of coffee or two. I felt all right.

But not all right enough to have more than one drink. And I did (have more than one drink).

Mr. Boyfriend wanted to dance and I couldn’t. Lead feet. He got mad. I’m really not sure why. I am absolutely positive I will find out.

HOLD THE PHONE

But I’m tired, see. Things seemed to have kind of stabilized with him. I wanted off the roller coaster we seemed to be on.  He made a couple of statements to me about how it’s “always all about me”. And I have to say, it probably is. I know that it is shifting – I’m more conscious of other people, have more to give emotionally on a daily basis (thus the re-emergent mean mom), but no doubt this is true. I’ve been pretty self-centered.

But then, wait. I just can’t be this flawed, can I? That someone would be mad at me this often?

I have been working through my stuff – I was in a long-standing abusive relationship for so long that I HAVE to look at myself. To do this, I have to go backwards, to my father and this is sucky. I’m too old for this, I think. I’m not into laying blame or guilt trips. But I have to look.

So as this goes down with Mr. Boyfriend, I am not flipping out. Instead, I’m asking myself…is it really my fault? And…do we have to do this NOW? I’m too damn tired. That makes me snicker, really. I just know that when, and if, we DO talk about this stuff, it’ll take a while, use up energy I need for something else and waste time that might have been used enjoying each other.

So, my plan is to enjoy being alone. The daughter is off with friends. She has insisted she is going to come home and paint her bedroom, but I’ll wager she’ll find something more social to do before the day is up.

So me? I’m going to clean, organize, get ready for the other daughters party (ice skating rink with 30+ of her closest friends), pick up steaks and a bottle of wine and build a fire around dinner time.  I don’t care if it is only 35 degrees. Hopefully the grill will start, because I am mechanically deficient and I have decided that it is TIME for it to be put to use.

I am sad about Mr. Boyfriend. Not just sad, but disappointed.

But then, on the other hand…I have friends. And I knew I needed down time. It’s a gift.

Incidentally, the whole running thing is attacking the weight deal. Why is it that weight gain starts in the middle of a woman’s body and spreads up and down? The last thing we get from it is a bigger chest. Weight loss? It starts at the head and the toes and works it’s way inward. It’s just the opposite. We lose weight in our faces and our toes and then our chest  - AGAIN – it’s always one of the first things to go. That’s my bitch for the day.  I am much happier with the way my chin looks thanks to running. Or walking. Or whatever it is that I am doing.

Speaking of which…I’m off to do that very thing!!