The Update Is...
I know, I know, I have not been writing in a timely manner. I am sorry. I have been both in hell and busy.
Let me run through the interesting updates:
An appraiser (female) walked through my house and ended up offering me a job. I think I might finish the whole liscencing shebang - on my own - and then look for a job as the housing market heats up. My commercial experience seems to be a draw for all residential appraisal firms (more business), so I should not have difficulty finding a job. Why is this so difficult - this finishing?
Oh, I know. Other stuff...like kids.
The Big Stuff
My oldest child has been a challenge for a while. Abused by her father in many respects, left to raise herself by her mother for a couple of years while mom was in lala land due to same man and lack of spine, she's a tad screwed up.
About a month or so ago, I snapped. I changed. I became mean mom again - the one that makes you eat your vegatables and clean your room and, oh, do your homework. I came out of the coma I had been in for the last couple of years.
Long story short, daughter does not want to acknowledge me as any sort of authority. She is straight - no drugs, alcohal or sex - but more disrespectful that even I was at her age. And her mouth, well, tick her off and she is on par with her father in terms of verbal abuse.
It's my job to get her back on track.
Mr. Boyfriend explained it like this: My ex and I, we poured gasoline on our house, then we lit it on fire. It's our fault. But our kid is inside. We gotta get our kid OUT or die trying. So that is primarily what I have been doing. Trying to get my daughter out.
I laid out rules. Follow these our you will live elsewhere. They aren't hard rules....you will see a shrink, go to church with me, maintain decent grades, have a set bedtime, get up on time for school, be nice and respectful to those in our house and clean up after yourself and do your chores. How hard is this?
Apparently, very. The answer was no. There are other wild things that the kid did. So I called the county about placement in a group home. I found another place for her where she can heal and recover. It sounds horrid, but I have two other children to raise and this deeply effects them. My ten year old son is being traumatized by language and ideas that he should not encounter. I can't pay attention to the other two because the one child is flipping out and not doing what she is supposed to. The list of why's goes on and on.
Bottom line, this is bigger then me. I can't fix her. I can lay out the parameters of how to get better. I can enforce those parameters. I can get her help. But I can't fix her. And I can take responsibility for where she is at up until TODAY, but then it's on her head. If I know I am now doing everything I should, could and would to help her, it becomes HER CHOICE. I know, I know, at 15 that may seem harsh.
Yesterday, I took her to see a home/program in the Twin Cities. I was incredibly impressed with this place and would send her in a heart beat. It's faith based and one of the girls in the program talked with us about her experience. It was incredible. We left and she told me that everyone at that "place" was much too happy. All the girls were smiling and friendly, all the staff said hello.
What, did she think I hated her and that's why I wanted to send her someplace? NO. I love this kid. I want the absolute best for her. Her father and I have not provided that. I will do whatever I have to, to give her what she needs to be happy.
The ultimate agreement is this: She fills out the application for this home (it is strictly voluntary) and signs it. I fax it in, place it in their hands. She is responsible for keeping herself OUT of that place. But I explained to her - how happy those people are? THAT'S WHAT I WANT IN MY HOME. I want peace, happiness, good behavior from all. I won't tolerate abuse from anyone.
I feel good about this. I feel in control. I have a plan. She knows what she has to do. We both know what is expected.
Several times I came to my computer to write about this and found myself unable to do so. I just could not talk about how I was feeling about my household or my children or any of those things. Today, I can.
Other Stuff
The refinancing of my home should go through in the near future. This has taken a while due to the recent divorce and my own procrastination. The appraisal should be done this week and today I will drop of the remaining required documents. Wonder when I'll close? I should be able to pay off things like my attorney, special assessment taxes for curb and gutter, my car loan? Maybe. My next plan is to BUY a new car, believe it or not. Anything will be better than what I am driving. Mr. Boyfriend's teenage daughters cars are nicer than mine. I see a problem with this!!
I keep steadily gaining weight. Another problem. I began running again in the hopes that if this doesn't STOP it, it will at least slow the process down. Actually, I began running because I seem to be developing the belief that the body is a temple, etc.
Oh, dear. A bird just flew into my office window at a high rate of speed. Feathers are stuck to the window. I think I see some blood. When I go out to go running, I shall have to look for a dead bird on the ground. Last year I found three dead birds, total. It's sort of shocking...and annoying. I just realized the only one who'll clean that window is ME!!! Argh!!!
Things are still kosher with Mr. Boyfriend. We've had a couple of touchy spots, I think being open about emotions made both of us a little more vulnerable. But with vulnerability comes intimacy, which is what we were both craving. He's been a tremendous amount of support through this deal with my daughter.
SPRING!! SPRING!!!
And of course, with my nifty weight gain, comes the reassurance that spring is in the air. What do I mean? Fairly soon, I can get off my butt and get it outside in my yard. I can garden and putz and enjoy my porch and my patio and have, maybe some CASH to spend on it. I can do what I want. I am so tickled and cannot wait. I am having trouble deciding where to start!!
Even with the hell with my daughter, life seems to be really looking up. I thought, when the ex left, that if my family fell apart, I would die. I didn't. In fact, I may just thrive. It amazes me. I feel free for the first time since I was a small child.
I'm off to walk/run around the neighborhood, work and hook up with a friend for lunch. Hope you all have/had a great day.
Hey C.F!! Maybe this is my super-happy-fun week? I want one!!!
And no, no spell check. I'm using Mozilla Firefox and for some reason it doesn't work. I have to go. You'll all just have to deal.
Let me run through the interesting updates:
An appraiser (female) walked through my house and ended up offering me a job. I think I might finish the whole liscencing shebang - on my own - and then look for a job as the housing market heats up. My commercial experience seems to be a draw for all residential appraisal firms (more business), so I should not have difficulty finding a job. Why is this so difficult - this finishing?
Oh, I know. Other stuff...like kids.
The Big Stuff
My oldest child has been a challenge for a while. Abused by her father in many respects, left to raise herself by her mother for a couple of years while mom was in lala land due to same man and lack of spine, she's a tad screwed up.
About a month or so ago, I snapped. I changed. I became mean mom again - the one that makes you eat your vegatables and clean your room and, oh, do your homework. I came out of the coma I had been in for the last couple of years.
Long story short, daughter does not want to acknowledge me as any sort of authority. She is straight - no drugs, alcohal or sex - but more disrespectful that even I was at her age. And her mouth, well, tick her off and she is on par with her father in terms of verbal abuse.
It's my job to get her back on track.
Mr. Boyfriend explained it like this: My ex and I, we poured gasoline on our house, then we lit it on fire. It's our fault. But our kid is inside. We gotta get our kid OUT or die trying. So that is primarily what I have been doing. Trying to get my daughter out.
I laid out rules. Follow these our you will live elsewhere. They aren't hard rules....you will see a shrink, go to church with me, maintain decent grades, have a set bedtime, get up on time for school, be nice and respectful to those in our house and clean up after yourself and do your chores. How hard is this?
Apparently, very. The answer was no. There are other wild things that the kid did. So I called the county about placement in a group home. I found another place for her where she can heal and recover. It sounds horrid, but I have two other children to raise and this deeply effects them. My ten year old son is being traumatized by language and ideas that he should not encounter. I can't pay attention to the other two because the one child is flipping out and not doing what she is supposed to. The list of why's goes on and on.
Bottom line, this is bigger then me. I can't fix her. I can lay out the parameters of how to get better. I can enforce those parameters. I can get her help. But I can't fix her. And I can take responsibility for where she is at up until TODAY, but then it's on her head. If I know I am now doing everything I should, could and would to help her, it becomes HER CHOICE. I know, I know, at 15 that may seem harsh.
Yesterday, I took her to see a home/program in the Twin Cities. I was incredibly impressed with this place and would send her in a heart beat. It's faith based and one of the girls in the program talked with us about her experience. It was incredible. We left and she told me that everyone at that "place" was much too happy. All the girls were smiling and friendly, all the staff said hello.
What, did she think I hated her and that's why I wanted to send her someplace? NO. I love this kid. I want the absolute best for her. Her father and I have not provided that. I will do whatever I have to, to give her what she needs to be happy.
The ultimate agreement is this: She fills out the application for this home (it is strictly voluntary) and signs it. I fax it in, place it in their hands. She is responsible for keeping herself OUT of that place. But I explained to her - how happy those people are? THAT'S WHAT I WANT IN MY HOME. I want peace, happiness, good behavior from all. I won't tolerate abuse from anyone.
I feel good about this. I feel in control. I have a plan. She knows what she has to do. We both know what is expected.
Several times I came to my computer to write about this and found myself unable to do so. I just could not talk about how I was feeling about my household or my children or any of those things. Today, I can.
Other Stuff
The refinancing of my home should go through in the near future. This has taken a while due to the recent divorce and my own procrastination. The appraisal should be done this week and today I will drop of the remaining required documents. Wonder when I'll close? I should be able to pay off things like my attorney, special assessment taxes for curb and gutter, my car loan? Maybe. My next plan is to BUY a new car, believe it or not. Anything will be better than what I am driving. Mr. Boyfriend's teenage daughters cars are nicer than mine. I see a problem with this!!
I keep steadily gaining weight. Another problem. I began running again in the hopes that if this doesn't STOP it, it will at least slow the process down. Actually, I began running because I seem to be developing the belief that the body is a temple, etc.
Oh, dear. A bird just flew into my office window at a high rate of speed. Feathers are stuck to the window. I think I see some blood. When I go out to go running, I shall have to look for a dead bird on the ground. Last year I found three dead birds, total. It's sort of shocking...and annoying. I just realized the only one who'll clean that window is ME!!! Argh!!!
Things are still kosher with Mr. Boyfriend. We've had a couple of touchy spots, I think being open about emotions made both of us a little more vulnerable. But with vulnerability comes intimacy, which is what we were both craving. He's been a tremendous amount of support through this deal with my daughter.
SPRING!! SPRING!!!
And of course, with my nifty weight gain, comes the reassurance that spring is in the air. What do I mean? Fairly soon, I can get off my butt and get it outside in my yard. I can garden and putz and enjoy my porch and my patio and have, maybe some CASH to spend on it. I can do what I want. I am so tickled and cannot wait. I am having trouble deciding where to start!!
Even with the hell with my daughter, life seems to be really looking up. I thought, when the ex left, that if my family fell apart, I would die. I didn't. In fact, I may just thrive. It amazes me. I feel free for the first time since I was a small child.
I'm off to walk/run around the neighborhood, work and hook up with a friend for lunch. Hope you all have/had a great day.
Hey C.F!! Maybe this is my super-happy-fun week? I want one!!!
And no, no spell check. I'm using Mozilla Firefox and for some reason it doesn't work. I have to go. You'll all just have to deal.
posted by New Day | 7:25 AM
2 Comments:
Every week is super-happy-fun week!!!
Man, you make me feel so immature, with my petty problems and ways of dealing with the world...
I'm not say8ing that to be mean or anything, I actually have a great respect for what you must be going through...
I hope things with your daughter work out!!
Hey C.F. - I married way too young!! I kind of look at it like we are dealing with some of the same stuff...who am I? Where do I go from here? Where do you go when your life gets turned upside down and you have to dream all new dreams for yourself? (Like writing, or moving or figuring out a job situation, or parenting or ANY of that stuff!)
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