A Snowstorm and the Ex

I woke this morning to cancelled school and a beautiful white snowstorm.  A snowstorm?
I DID have appointments for today – are they cancelled? I ask because at five a.m. I awoke, as did my children, to very long, very loud, peels of thunder.

And now there is lots and lots of snow, and one would assume, ice. No school.

I am actually grateful for this. Time with my children is a rare thing. That, and they need to clean their rooms for the appraisal of the house and subsequent refinance.

I have interacted with the ex quite a bit over the last few days – am attempting to pull him into the children’s lives. I do not know what his deal is, but he has been very nice.  A large part of me is waiting for the knife that inevitably ends up in my back. And you know, me, or maybe you don’t…I can’t be anything but blunt.

As I pulled in to the parking lot at the gas station where we exchange children (in between our cities) I see his girlfriend and her ex and THEIR children. Yes, yes. Two families were destroyed by this affair.  At any rate, I pulled into the parking lot fifteen minutes early. The ex was not there yet. My reaction? I started laughing.

“LIVE!! FROM JERRY SPRINGER!!!”

We were once family friends. But only because the ex was screwing the girlfriend and they wanted to spend more time together, so they made us all friends.

Am I bitter? No, not exactly. How do I feel, then?

Let me proceed with my story. I picked up the phone, called the ex, and, still laughing, told him to hurry up and get his but to the gas station - I wanted OUT. Then I told him he surely had a way of creating wacko situations. I was laughing, mind you. He chuckled good naturedly (what else could he do? I’da just laughed harder had he gotten angry).

That was the end of that. Previously this week, I called and talked with him in relation to his children. I told him I was counting on his love for our oldest (who still will not talk to him) to work with me to get her where she needed to be. He told me I could count on his love for ME.

I wanted to reach through the phone and punch him.  I am sure he was simply being “nice”…but the insult is great and he doesn’t even know it. Our experiences in our marriage were very different. I did not cheat or lie or abuse him the way that he did me. So he can glibly say such things to me. He has no idea what love is. And I want to throttle him for being stupid. I just let it go.

THEN, last night, we briefly touched base regarding the kids and he told me that he had REALLY enjoyed talking with me the last few days. Me? All I could do was be dead silent for a moment and then tell him that he was freaking me out, to have a nice couple of weeks and wish him good night.

And he IS freaking me out. Not because I’m secretly LIKING hearing those things, but because I do not trust him at all. I am waiting for him to screw me. What I want from him is to co-parent. I want help with the kids. I want peace. I do not want him. But peace, with this man, is not ever to be trusted. I know that I am fooling myself. It freaks me out.

Mr. Boyfriend is adamant that the ex will eventually want me back again.  I don’t think so. I don’t want him back. I don’t want much from him at all. Money. Him to be a decent father to his children. It would be nice to have a father to talk to regarding my children. But ever love him? Ever climb in bed with him? No. Ick. Seriously ick.

I look backwards at my inner turmoil surrounding divorce and understand it. I get WHY I was so upset about it (another post), finally.  The answer, to how do I feel about him or my divorce? Glad. I feel glad. I feel relief. I am not sorry I am divorced. We never should have married. We were wrong for each other.

Another milestone.