Dear Mr. X-Husband

Dear Mr. X-Husband,

After or during affair number one (of the affairs which I knew about, anyway), you asked me if I still got butterflies in my stomach when you came into a room, or if I sometimes got turned on just by looking at you. I was honest and I said that I didn’t. But I assured you that those things went away with time and we were supposed to settle into loving each other but not being “in love” with each other all the time.

I don’t think you believed me, because you continued to search out other partners throughout our marriage. Shame on you for doing so. At the same time, I say Thank You for doing so…for you have given me something that I might have gone my whole life without having. Butterflies in my stomach. A man that turns me on every single time I see him. And this is after knowing him for nearly ten years. I was incredibly wrong about the process – it just gets stronger with time.

Life did not turn out the way I thought it would. But as the minutes tick by into days, I suspect life will turn out the way I always wanted it to.  I was never a solid citizen, capable of residing in one place for extended periods of time. I never intended to be. I didn’t want to be. I wanted to be a traveler. You helped to keep me grounded and for our children’s sake, I appreciate that. They need a house, a home and stability. I need the wind. You could never envision riding the wind alone, let alone with another human. You are afraid of heights. You believed in one course of action. One vocation. I zigzag all over the place and learned to believe that was a bad thing. I fought my very nature so that I could be with you and make you proud of me, something not to be achieved.

Because you were so very critical of me, I am learning to be gentler with myself. I am learning that my nature is not necessarily something to look at as a problem, as much as just part of who I am. I do not need to be like you in order to be happy or successful. I do not need to measure my success against your criteria.

You and I grew up together and I will forever look at you like a boy, because of it. By divorcing me, you gave me the gift of a man. For this, I can be nothing but grateful, for there is nothing quite so enjoyable in the world as a full grown man. Lazy Sundays spent in bed, shots of Jose standing at the trunk because neither of us will drink in a car. Dancing for hours as if no one else is watching. Years of eyeing each other as something other than just friends, with no move to change it because we value the things that are important and respect each others lives and belief systems. Holding hands in church. There are countless other things that I would never have experienced, and I am only at the beginning of my journey.

I say thank you, Mr. X-Husband. Thank you for being unhappy and restless. Thank you for knowing you needed something more than you were receiving. I was so bound to being a mother and a wife, so respectful of my vows, that I would have missed the possibility of someday truly having a partner.

Sincerely,
The X-Wife