.comment-link {margin-left:.6em;}
Name:
Location: Wisconsin, United States

"There is a secret set within each of our hearts...It is simply the desire for life as it was meant to be... Seasons may pass until it surfaces again. And though it seems to taunt us, and may at times cause us great pain, we know when it returns that it is priceless. For if we could recover this desire, unearth it from beneath all other distractions, and embrace it as our deepest treasure, we would discover the secret of our existance." -John Eldredge, The Journey of Desire

Friday, December 30, 2005

The Past is Garbage

I am struggling, still, with what I called my “deficit” in an earlier post. This negative message I have heard since I was a child, which I now carry as an adult.  I have been combating it. I have statements written on my mirrors, in my home to remind me that every second is a new beginning. If this second I feel unlovable, I can start over in the next.  

I have regular conversations with my God. Prayer. I have put God in that spot that craves approval. I try, every morning, to put God there. To keep centered. I lost sight of that this last week – which is sad – in the midst of Christmas, to lose sight of God. But there it is.

I must amend something else….is Mr. Boyfriend worthy? Will any man be worthy? Am I demanding perfection that can only be found in one place?

I don’t know. I only know I get on my “high horse” and start pointing fingers…in the end, I must look at myself.

I must admit I am afraid of not being enough. I am afraid of not being lovable. Mr. Boyfriend makes me feel unlovable. He makes me feel as if I am not enough. He would not mind seeing me with another man…perhaps he would be relieved to have me off his hands…and this is where I get neurotic. And I have to admit this is me. And I have to walk away. Whatever he lacks in feeling for me, he is a decent human being and does not deserve to be placed in the garbage of my past…

More prayer, I guess. It’s the only answer.

0 Comments:

Post a Comment

<< Home