The Past is Garbage

I am struggling, still, with what I called my “deficit” in an earlier post. This negative message I have heard since I was a child, which I now carry as an adult.  I have been combating it. I have statements written on my mirrors, in my home to remind me that every second is a new beginning. If this second I feel unlovable, I can start over in the next.  

I have regular conversations with my God. Prayer. I have put God in that spot that craves approval. I try, every morning, to put God there. To keep centered. I lost sight of that this last week – which is sad – in the midst of Christmas, to lose sight of God. But there it is.

I must amend something else….is Mr. Boyfriend worthy? Will any man be worthy? Am I demanding perfection that can only be found in one place?

I don’t know. I only know I get on my “high horse” and start pointing fingers…in the end, I must look at myself.

I must admit I am afraid of not being enough. I am afraid of not being lovable. Mr. Boyfriend makes me feel unlovable. He makes me feel as if I am not enough. He would not mind seeing me with another man…perhaps he would be relieved to have me off his hands…and this is where I get neurotic. And I have to admit this is me. And I have to walk away. Whatever he lacks in feeling for me, he is a decent human being and does not deserve to be placed in the garbage of my past…

More prayer, I guess. It’s the only answer.