The Land Fill

I am dragging my feet this morning. I have to travel through central Wisconsin and the roads are not listed in good condition. I’m turning into a wuss in my old age.

Tonight the last of my children will leave for the weekend.  I am looking forward, in some sense, to having some time to myself, alone, in my own home.  On the other hand, I am not looking forward to dealing with my emotions regarding the Mr. Boyfriend thing. Call me obsessive.  

My pong is out of wack.

I am dreading New Years Eve.  Absolutely dreading it. Yes, I have another invitation – probably could have more than one if I was so inclined. But I really just want to be with Mr. Boyfriend. It ain’t happening, I know this.

I have to admit something about my behavior.  Because of the way things went with the X, I work really hard at not showing the significant male in my life that he matters to me. I try to keep expressions neutral when I’m upset. I don’t jump all over the place, no matter how excited to see him I am. I play things as cool as possible – most of the time in complete contradiction to how I actually feel. And I don’t do this about anyone else. Old male friends, new male friends, it matters not. I can get all excited about them…there is no risk there.

I think this created problems with Mr. Boyfriend, especially if his deal is “not counting”. I made him feel that he didn’t count to protect myself from the sting of feeling unloved…and vice versa. We just destroyed each other because of our deficits.

I have to work on ME. I need to work on my own self-confidence. I am not making excuses for Mr. Boyfriend – he has his own stuff to deal with.  It’s just that I am seriously worried about my confidence level. There are things I should have done within that relationship which I could NOT do, because of the destruction my X wreaked within my psyche. It disturbs me. There were moments where I viewed Mr. Boyfriend from a place filled with my own history – forgetting that he is some one entirely different.

I’ve been standing in a landfill, trying to get clean.  It can’t be done. I need to let him go. He WANTS me to let him go. I need to do this gracefully. I have some sort of problem. I need to face it. I need to just stay out of the relationship arena for a while. The likelihood of me meeting someone who has the patience to stand with me while I work through some of this garbage seems fairly slim. I thought that’s what Mr. Boyfriend would be, because we were friends.

There was never any future with him. The anxiety that gave me, alone, is enough to make me want to throw up. Literally. The X, the last two years…no future. No plans could be made (he had to keep things open for the girlfriend, only I didn’t know it). If we did make plans, it was pretty stressful. I never knew from one day to the next what was happening.

And I must ask myself how that felt. How did it feel when I ended that and moved forward? I allowed myself to have a future? How did that feel? I need to refocus on some of these things, because I seem to have trapped myself in the same stuff. Mr. Boyfriend just isn’t that into me, has not wanted a future with me – or anything else.  Move on, Girl!!!