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Location: Wisconsin, United States

"There is a secret set within each of our hearts...It is simply the desire for life as it was meant to be... Seasons may pass until it surfaces again. And though it seems to taunt us, and may at times cause us great pain, we know when it returns that it is priceless. For if we could recover this desire, unearth it from beneath all other distractions, and embrace it as our deepest treasure, we would discover the secret of our existance." -John Eldredge, The Journey of Desire

Thursday, December 29, 2005

New Years and the Dryer

My day has been rather interesting.

First, I accidentally sent a link to this space to Mr. Boyfriend. In all honesty, I don’t really believe he is that interested in what I do out here or anywhere at the moment. I sincerely doubt he even read my email and thus will never follow the included link. I am about 99% safe. Yikes.

The “Y’s” Have It!

In prayer today, Jesus began adding a “Y” to my name.  I cannot, for the life of me, figure out WHY, nor what this means.  There have been relatively few people who have called me that – my brother, for one, but then, I called him “Timmy” so I was fair game. I still call him that. (I miss him horribly some times.) An old friend, Kyle, also regularly added the Y to my name – but he’d known me since grade school so that, too, was allowed. There is no one currently that does. I can’t remember my ex ever calling me that, except as a joke. Why Jesus?

Probably because I am lonely. I spent plenty of time today in prayer. He reminded me of the times he came to me and told me that I was not alone…times when I desperately needed to know that.

I am there, at one of those places.

I filled out my application for school today. I have had responsibilities expanded with my other job, been given a new one…these are things that will work with a school schedule. I am putting this in God’s hands. I do not trust my own judgment when it comes to choosing my life’s work. I have been so “all over the place” in that regard. If God wants me to do this, the door will open easily. Financial aid will be available. I will be granted admission and classes and my work schedule will work with this. In truth, I feel called to become a teacher. My own high school career was so iffy, that to be able to inspire and give back, like the few teachers that impacted me were able to do, really flips my trigger. But it isn’t about me, anymore. It’s about a higher design. God has a plan. I just need to open up my ears to hear it.

If It Happens Again…!!!

My daughter managed to drop a paintbrush down the lint trap of the dryer. Now that I have the dryer torn apart, I am told it won’t hurt anything to leave it there.  Neat. I hate fixing stuff. Absolutely hate it. Build something with wood? ALL RIGHT!! That sounds like fun! But the rest of it….no. Ick.

She Reconciles Him Gone

I’ve not heard from Mr. Boyfriend all day. I suspect that I will not. I think, perhaps, and I’ve said this before (poor pathetic me) that it is over. I feel sad. But really, I don’t think we’re “it” for each other. He would have fallen for me if we were. And if he doesn’t feel for me what I feel for him, then it ain’t true love, is it? Nope.

I think, in regards to my last post, I need time to not hear negative messages about me. I need time to not hear someone tell me the reasons they can’t love me. The reasons I am not lovable. I am so very tired in that area. Tired of fighting. This feels like a double whammy to me…I’m such an idiot. (Here comes the self-recrimination.) I am so incredibly STUPID sometimes…what was I thinking? Getting involved with someone else so quickly? Duh. It was bound to end badly.

Mr. Boyfriend has said to me several times that he doesn’t think that I wanted him.  This is untrue. I like him. Why, you might ask? He’s funny. He’s cute. He’s thoughtful. He can be a jerk. He’s kind of a scatterbrain. He’s deceptively smart. He’s honest. He’s sexy. He’s spiritual. He is all of these things.

He is also unreachable and non-committal.  If he isn’t walking away, then I must.

At the beginning of this month, I gave myself till January to get my sh*t together. Professionally and personally. I have been waiting for the New Year to arrive. I just have to survive one more Holiday. I decided to have patience with myself. To give myself some rope. Three more days. New Years this year will be a lonely one. Part of me wants to stay home, alone and welcome in the New Year on my own. Another part of me says go out with friends …have fun.  The bottom line is that it will be very different than I had hoped.

Here’s my sad saga…Christmas Eve I thought that Mr. Boyfriend and I connected. We sat in Church together and held hands. My father sat on the other side of me. He met my gatekeepers. This was intimacy to me.  And now it is gone. Why? Our tapes. Our deficits.

I will be honest with you all – all of you women, I believe – I love this guy. I always have. I probably always will. I do not have any regrets about things with him. (Other then I went into it too fast.) Sure, I’d change a few things that I’ve done, but in reality, I don’t regret falling in love with him.  What I regret is that he wasn’t worthy.

How’s that grab ya? A man that is worthy of my love will return it. Will value it. Will desire it. Will not take advantage of it. Mr. Boyfriend talked a good line about flower gardens and nurturing a woman’s heart…but when it came down to it, it was judgment about other men and no offerings of his own. He did not put his head on the chopping block as I did. I want someone who can go the distance and step over the line. I want someone worthy. And God, he has made a promise to me, there is someone for everyone. I just need to trust in him. It’ll all be ok.

And off I go to fix the damn dryer, be a hockey mom and deal with the ex…


Blogger Donna Vera said...

You still have the "Y" in my thoughts, too. Have you seen Drop Dead Fred? If not, consider renting it... it touches on many of your recent topics.

11:03 PM  

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