Step Six and Five and Four

I realized something today. Those that have read what I've written in previous posts know this isn't unusual. I realize things all the time. But wait...let me catch us all up on what has happened to me...

Last August I got married. I met the right one, I trusted myself enough to know it, and I married him. I have been busy adjusting to being married - I had finally adjusted to being single (as I understand it, that's how it goes). I've moved. My house is for sale. The kitchen sink is broken again. I am aware of it and made the choice to leave it be.

I am working a program. On step six. Step four was a dousy. Step five was cathartic. And now on to step six. Meanwhile I am sitting in a place not unlike where I was the last time I posted. I am breathing. I am accepting. I feel fairly peaceful.

Step four was around work. I realized while doing it, that I have done it before - with the counselor guru. This time, I did it around the thing I have wrestled with since I was small. Work. Whether it be school or a vocation. My ego. My self asteem. Who I was really trying to impress.

And I discovered it was still Dad. And so here I am again - having thought that I must start a new blog, leave the old behind and start over. I have discovered that we simply circle back. So the wackiness that is in these pages must exist somewhere - I lived them. They brought me here, to a place where I feel peace and happiness. And a sureness that says it's ok to dig deep.

So I did. And for a week I fought the neurosis of what I once was. Then I purged it with a sponsor and now I am rolling in the aftermath.

And I have discovered that I do not really like what I do. For a living.

The Jury

I know I have been lax in posting. I apologize. It seems somewhere in the course of therapy with the counselor guru, I developed the wher- with- all to deal with my emotions when they occur, rather than becoming text heavy out here in cyber space while I try to wade through things.

I have hit a snag. Or rather, I seem to have hit the core issue and find myself grieving here and there. What is it???

My mom. Who'd a thunk?? Men have been such central players in my life, had I not stopped and dug deep, I might have continued down the same road I was on, never knowing why I felt I was such a piece of junk. Now I know.

And I know she did not do it intentionally. I know she doesn't know now when she does it. I do not have the heart to tear her apart - ever the responsible daughter...but I won't allow her to tear me apart anymore. If I didn't know the things I know now, I honestly wouldn't have seen it. It's so clear to me...handed down from generations. And I can see where I have handed it down as time has passed, to my own daughters and son.

I talked to my mom tonight. In jest, she told me the jury was still out on whether or not I am ok. "OK", meaning successful. Successful meaning able to be whatever it is she thinks I need to be. She doesn't do it on purpose. She just does it. I can't change her.

All these years I have felt "less than" ...always believing it was my father that made me feel that way. And of course, he did. But it was more insidious than that. I feel anger and disgust and immense sadness. I feel sadness for myself as a little girl, learning to view herself as something not quite enough, not really very important.

Today I interviewed for a position I would very much like to be offered. I feel good about the interview. Good about the future. It's in God's hands.

I am dating a man whom I almost instantly fell in love with, and he, me. We are meshing lives, sharing things we haven't shared with anyone else. He has quickly become my best friend. There is not chaos or rollercoasters or any of the other elements of the past. There is support from both of us for the other, respect for the other. This is a relationship I could flourish in, a man I could partner with. I knew it when I met him, instinctively.

What a tremendous journey this has been. I am not sorry for much of it anymore. Things have come around and I feel strong and sure, grounded in my faith and my confidence that I can deal with things as they come. The ability to take things one day at a time.

I have good friends and a support system that God has blessed me with. Life just seems to get better and better every day - not that I don't have tough days - the last couple of weeks have been difficult both from the standpoint of financial incertainty and recognizing this thing with my mother.

The best thing I have learned in the last year is that I can feel my own emotions and still be standing on the other side of them. I have learned that feeling grief or sadness or hurt is a healing thing, a part of life that is neccesary for growth. I have learned not to run when I hurt, but to turn toward the pain and let it be. I can trust myself to handle it. I will not be consumed. I will not die. This has been an important lesson for me. I was not taught this as a child. I was not taught to trust myself. Now I do. Because of that...it will be ok.

The jury is not out. The jury was NEVER out. And I have forever shut them up. Dismissed them and sent them home.

I have been learning to stand on my own two feet - believing that meant that I had to learn to live without a man, learn to support myself and my children financially while having an immaculate house, being the perfect mother...all the while being slightly unhappy because I am not appreciated. That is NOT what standing on my own two feet means.

Standing on my own two feet means trusting myelf. So that I can risk myself emotionally, knowing I will not die if I get hurt. Moving forward in terms of my career because I am intelligent and charismatic - gifts God gave me. Trusting myself, believing in myself. So that I can hand those same gifts down to my children. So that I can be a truly supportive and loving mate. So that I have strength and wisdom to give to others. So that life is worth living, every day, every minute. That is what standing on my own two feet means. It does NOT mean battling and climbing uphill because life is difficult and hard and I will never be enough. It means trusting that whatever life brings, I will be ok.

It gets better and better every day.

The Biker

It is rare that I feel sad or down anymore. Today I do. I got hit with a wave of sadness in the grocery store, feeling Mr. Boyfriends memory more than anything.

The last couple of weeks have been tough ones for me. Not tough in a negative way, actually tough in a really GOOD way. I have talked about some things with friends and therapists that I was deeply ashamed of and let it go. I came further to grips with my history and forgave myself for some things. I took another stand with Mr. Boyfriend - I told him I want to see other people, and I am doing so. I didn't really want to see other people, mind you, I just could not go on like things were and I knew that would end it. It did.

As a result I am dating a biker. What do you think of that?

I have tried a million ways to find an ulterior motive in my doing this...when it comes down to it, I simply like the man. There is that feeling of comfortableness around each other like I have known him forever. He's rather uncomplicated and he doesn't do drama...in fact he HATES drama. I am appreciating and enjoying this aspect of him.

I told the man that I am not emotionally available and that was ok with him. He still wanted to see me, since we simply like each other. So I'm rolling with it. I am also learning much about myself with him - my communication style, my self confidence level, my temperment...all things that were compromised by my relationship with Mr. Boyfriend, unfortunetely. Because in reality, I loved Mr. Boyfriend. But I could not live with the drama, the chaos and the negativity that was our relationship.

But I miss him. I guess that is what is making me sad. I miss him and he is probably gone forever...people do go forever sometimes. I don't stop loving someone once I start, so the leaving thing is difficult for me. Learning to love from a distance is a heartwrenching process. And so I am sad. And I am in the middle of the heart wrenching process.