The Biker
It is rare that I feel sad or down anymore. Today I do. I got hit with a wave of sadness in the grocery store, feeling Mr. Boyfriends memory more than anything.
The last couple of weeks have been tough ones for me. Not tough in a negative way, actually tough in a really GOOD way. I have talked about some things with friends and therapists that I was deeply ashamed of and let it go. I came further to grips with my history and forgave myself for some things. I took another stand with Mr. Boyfriend - I told him I want to see other people, and I am doing so. I didn't really want to see other people, mind you, I just could not go on like things were and I knew that would end it. It did.
As a result I am dating a biker. What do you think of that?
I have tried a million ways to find an ulterior motive in my doing this...when it comes down to it, I simply like the man. There is that feeling of comfortableness around each other like I have known him forever. He's rather uncomplicated and he doesn't do drama...in fact he HATES drama. I am appreciating and enjoying this aspect of him.
I told the man that I am not emotionally available and that was ok with him. He still wanted to see me, since we simply like each other. So I'm rolling with it. I am also learning much about myself with him - my communication style, my self confidence level, my temperment...all things that were compromised by my relationship with Mr. Boyfriend, unfortunetely. Because in reality, I loved Mr. Boyfriend. But I could not live with the drama, the chaos and the negativity that was our relationship.
But I miss him. I guess that is what is making me sad. I miss him and he is probably gone forever...people do go forever sometimes. I don't stop loving someone once I start, so the leaving thing is difficult for me. Learning to love from a distance is a heartwrenching process. And so I am sad. And I am in the middle of the heart wrenching process.
The last couple of weeks have been tough ones for me. Not tough in a negative way, actually tough in a really GOOD way. I have talked about some things with friends and therapists that I was deeply ashamed of and let it go. I came further to grips with my history and forgave myself for some things. I took another stand with Mr. Boyfriend - I told him I want to see other people, and I am doing so. I didn't really want to see other people, mind you, I just could not go on like things were and I knew that would end it. It did.
As a result I am dating a biker. What do you think of that?
I have tried a million ways to find an ulterior motive in my doing this...when it comes down to it, I simply like the man. There is that feeling of comfortableness around each other like I have known him forever. He's rather uncomplicated and he doesn't do drama...in fact he HATES drama. I am appreciating and enjoying this aspect of him.
I told the man that I am not emotionally available and that was ok with him. He still wanted to see me, since we simply like each other. So I'm rolling with it. I am also learning much about myself with him - my communication style, my self confidence level, my temperment...all things that were compromised by my relationship with Mr. Boyfriend, unfortunetely. Because in reality, I loved Mr. Boyfriend. But I could not live with the drama, the chaos and the negativity that was our relationship.
But I miss him. I guess that is what is making me sad. I miss him and he is probably gone forever...people do go forever sometimes. I don't stop loving someone once I start, so the leaving thing is difficult for me. Learning to love from a distance is a heartwrenching process. And so I am sad. And I am in the middle of the heart wrenching process.
posted by New Day | 5:26 PM
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