Divorce and Contingency Plans

I was reading C.F.’s blog tonight and decided to begin at the start, in November.  I think it is particularly interesting that his began in November, mine in September. After over half a year, it is easy to see the stages one goes through. The similarities in our journeys are rather amazing. Both of us are stumbling regarding our jobs…what do we want to do? Both of us considered continuing our education so we could teach. Both of us bounced around the idea of moving (and may yet) – even I, with my three children.  Both of us journeyed into the underbelly of nightclub life – my opinion C.F., and said with a large amount of amusement. My journey did not include strip clubs, but rough places I would never, ever go alone, which I found fascinating. I did not record it here and it was at least a year or more ago.  I spent an interesting Christmas Eve and New Years Eve in places too bizarre to mention. Memorable, yes.  

Something utterly fascinating has occurred.  My parents came to visit this weekend. I realized that they are completely nuts. My family is nuts. No wonder I stayed with the ex.

Mr. Boyfriend is back on. He began counseling this morning to try and get himself straight. I think this is wonderful. I did not suggest it – he did this on his own.

However, it has made me take a sober look at myself. This look began on Good Friday and hasn’t really quit.  I realized that I have developed an emotional need for him. I am struggling with this. I didn’t really want this to happen. I wanted to love him, true. I wanted to fall in love and feel all that good stuff. I just didn’t want to fall into the helpless grip of actually needing another human being.  And here I am.

I’m asking myself if my need is healthy. I wouldn’t know healthy if it smacked me in the face. And yes, I continue with counseling. But she’s moving and I think we’ve become friends. Rather unethical, I know. Oh, well. I’ve been making new female friends all over the place. I guess it helps to not have secrets and to not be nuts. You end up friends with even your therapist.

Or, as a friend of mine (male) said about me in reference to how I used to be, “…that’s cause you were a fucking fruitcake.”  Well. If you must put it that way. Yes.

So, the fucking fruitcake is awake and alive and wondering if there is anyway OUT of needing Mr. Boyfriend emotionally. Or if she should be looking for a way out. I’m chicken. Next week I’m supposed to go to North Carolina with him on a business trip.  It could fall through. I’ve decided that if it is does, I’m rerouting to Eugene, Oregon. No, dear, not for you. I have another friend who lives there, which I think is odd. But I haven’t seen her in years and she’s one of my best friends – that’d be Karin, for all who know.  I have promised her I would come for years.

Contingency plans. When do I stop having them? When do I stop needing them?