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Location: Wisconsin, United States

"There is a secret set within each of our hearts...It is simply the desire for life as it was meant to be... Seasons may pass until it surfaces again. And though it seems to taunt us, and may at times cause us great pain, we know when it returns that it is priceless. For if we could recover this desire, unearth it from beneath all other distractions, and embrace it as our deepest treasure, we would discover the secret of our existance." -John Eldredge, The Journey of Desire

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Four Months from Divoce and Direction Alights

I have been remiss in writing.  I hope everyone’s Holidays were wonderful and full of warmth and happiness!

There have been a number of new developments over the last couple of weeks.

  • I chose a direction, from the standpoint of a career.

  • My name was passed on to another division of the company I’m working for – and I now have more flexible hours with them.

  • I made a new friend whom I suspect will be a wonderful addition to my life.

  • Mr. Boyfriend completely ignored my attempts to back way, way off.  He managed to do it in a respectful way. And then we went on another Roller Coaster ride.

First, I’ve decided to return to school and work for my teaching certification. The certification I intend to pursue will allow me to teach History, Anthropology, Sociology, Political Science and a couple of other subjects.  As you’ll recall, I was considering returning to school to pursue my Masters. I decided that what my intent was to do with that degree was to TEACH…and the end result, either way is that I teach, but one allows me to have about half the debt when I’m done.  I find it rather amazing that I want to do this – at a High School level, when my own High School career was icky.  But then again, I absolutely love having kids the age I do, and I love my daughter’s friends. I love public speaking and I love school.  I think I finally found where I should be. I relate well to kids and can’t imagine anything more fun and challenging then making History engaging, entertaining and memorable for students.

In addition to some training for the new position I’m assuming (which is not a big deal, but I feel like God is opening doors for me and am very blessed), I have a lunch date with a new friend.
This friend came to me via my youngest daughter.  We have chatted off and on throughout the last couple of years on the phone – and between that and our daughters I knew she’d gone through a divorce and had a new boyfriend. Last weekend I decided to ask some blunt questions – which she answered very honestly and directly. One thing led to another and so I asked her to have lunch today.  After I asked and she agreed, she said the thing that I understood more than anything else, “Do you know, I don’t have any girlfriends?”

An abusive marriage, my dear, is the worst thing in the world.  We end up isolated.  I have questions for her about how she feels about things – like opening her house up to other adults. About making friends. About her relationships with men. About her choice to go back to school. Talking with her soothed my soul, as she understood exactly where I was coming from. I need understanding and I have the ability to return that to her, which perhaps she needs, too.

A friend of mine suggested that my relationship with Mr. Boyfriend was because I was desperate to have someone around. She is incorrect. Mr. Boyfriend represented a friendship which I had hoped would move beyond that to something wonderful. I refuse to live life AFRAID of feeling and loving – which of course, I am.   That’s really what it’s about.   I can’t imagine being desperate. Am I screwed up? You bet. Desperate, no.

And how goes it with Mr. Boyfriend, anyway?

The same. Up and down. Need I say more? I’ve given up, I think, on resisting being in love with him. I told him so.  What, exactly does that mean?  That means I’ve decided to say “Ah, FUCK IT.”   I feel the way I feel. I’m sick of fighting it. I’m more interested in dealing with the other aspects of my recovery. But Mr. Boyfriend, he has not made this same decision. He is still sitting on the fence. I do things that upset him. He reacts strongly.  He does things that upset me – I generally don’t react strongly.  I’ll never be perfect, but there isn’t anything anyone can do that would make me become something I’m not again.  Make me hide.  I’ll never hide again, nor live in denial.

This relationship is not necessarily a good one.  The ups and downs are largely a result of his own choices (how he handles conflict between us). I need peace.  I’ll hang in there a while longer. I suspect that as life moves on, if this is not meant to be, it will fade away. I’ll just be much too busy for anything else.

So here I go – off to train for the new gig, have lunch with a new friend, and apply for a new life at school….


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