Sexism and Mr. Boyfriend

Today Mr. Boyfriend suggested to me that I might be sexist.

I reflected on this possibility and decided it would be absolutely ridiculous to say that I am not.  In acknowledging this, I admit a weakness in myself.  Why am I sexist? Am I afraid of something?

Oh, The Possibilities

Certainly, given my history, it is understandable.  Follow along with my logic, if you will:  Woman is abused by husband. Abuse is a form of degradation, in effect, one person tells the other they are worthless, worth LESS then they are. Women counters this, mentally, with a certain level of aloofness, applying it to an entire gender, therefore excusing her choice to STAY with the abuser. “They” are all this way or that.

OR

Women is repeatedly cheated on by spouse. No…this doesn’t fit – spouse might be male, but there is always a cheating female on the other end…so to speak!

Ah, The Questions That Follow

So, do I actually trust any male? My father? No. I do not trust my father on all levels. I would trust him with my life.  However, I learned long ago that he would never meet my needs emotionally.  Provide for me, yes….

Oh, dear.  Ex-husband could always be counted on in this regard, too. But not emotionally.  He was rarely there for me emotionally.

So what exactly is it that I have learned about men through the years? They are incapable of emotionally bonding with me.  I say “me”, because it is obvious, given history, that other women were not only possibilities, but the real deal. Father, husband, boyfriends.

One can imagine why, given the intense rejection from the time I hit puberty on, I might have delved into sexism… as a buffer. Rejection before complete rejection.

Something New?

When Mr. Boyfriend touches me, his hands are gentle.  Always. He is at least half a foot taller then me, his hands are much bigger then mine, and yet he has the gentlest touch. I cannot figure this out. His hands fascinate me.

Recently he (I will skip the long story) did something, which showed an immense amount of care and respect for me.  He did something because it was the right thing to do. He did something that completely, totally WOWED me.  I mean really blew my socks off.  

When I realized it, I literally broke down crying. Not in front of him, or anything trite like that (this is not a soap opera, just a blog!!!)…Just on my own. Men do these things? Men take care of women emotionally?  Men show honor to women? Really? There is one that does that? Can do that? REALLY??

As a result, I have to say, no matter what, he will always have my respect and admiration.

BUT, BUT, BUT…

Mr. Boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for over seven months now. It’s been very off and on. I run. He runs. We hide. We meet in the middle. We fall in love and don’t admit it. We admit it. We pretend like we quit feeling it. We ignore it. We pretend we are just friends. We kiss and make up. We back away. On and on and on it goes…and why?  How much of it is me? How much of it is him? I know that when I’m in the middle of things, I can relay things as if it is ALL HIS FAULT.  Because I’m MAD. Because he’s (ah hem) MALE. Because I can be a self-righteous twit.

And then sometimes…he’s just plain wrong.  So how much of this dance is me? He proposes that I am terrified. That I run constantly.

I need some feedback, people! I know this is true, I just don’t know to what extent.

I am wondering this, because his actions have so blown my mind that I see him very differently. He seems solid.  Like I know who he is, suddenly. I might be able to count on him.  And if this is so, then I WANT HIM.

To be physically safe with a man that can meet my needs emotionally? What would that be like?  Can anybody tell me???