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Location: Wisconsin, United States

"There is a secret set within each of our hearts...It is simply the desire for life as it was meant to be... Seasons may pass until it surfaces again. And though it seems to taunt us, and may at times cause us great pain, we know when it returns that it is priceless. For if we could recover this desire, unearth it from beneath all other distractions, and embrace it as our deepest treasure, we would discover the secret of our existance." -John Eldredge, The Journey of Desire

Sunday, December 11, 2005

Strike One

I ended things with Mr. Boyfriend last night. I am tired of the pseudo relational qualities of our relationship. I’m tired of doing this to myself. Things go along wonderful and then BAM! He wants to just be friends. Meanwhile, I’m gearing up, excited about the possibilities. I’m finally at a point where being part of a “couple” sounds kind of cool to me. I did not end this thing in any sort of fit of emotional hysterics or as a result of any one thing. I’ve not done it as some sort of manipulative move to “make him see what he’s missing”. It was strictly me, finally listening to the facts. Facts do talk, you know.

Lately a number of friends have had relational problems and I have found myself giving advice. Particularly my brother’s wife – I’m giving good advice, based on experience – but I’m not listening to myself.  I refuse to continue avoiding the truth. This man simply does not have feelings for me. I want him to. He’d probably like to. But in reality, I’m just a fill-in girl while he waits for “the one”. I would YELL at any one of my friends for accepting that from a man. And so – I must face the truth. It ain’t going anywhere, but he will continue this until something better comes along.

The Proof Was in the Pudding

Perhaps the biggest give away was his attitude about sex. He went from not wanting to have premarital sex to wanting sex between monogamous friends (me).  I, frankly, could not have been physical with him without my feelings deepening. I think he’s screwed up on this count, but that’s just my opinion. Lots of people have casual sex, but when you are a deeply spiritual man in your 40’s, that attitude doesn’t fit. Course, sex does funny things to the best of humanity.

How do I feel? Sad. Lonely. Angry at myself and at him. I sent him an email regarding this stuff and he has not responded. He won’t. I asked him to respond only if I was incorrect, otherwise to simply give me some time to work through how I felt.  His lack of response says I am on target and I really didn’t want to be. I wanted the real deal because I am half in love with the man. Too bad for me, eh?

Strike One in the post marriage relationship game.


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