Simplicity Wins

Mr. Boyfriend freaked out over my email. He assumes I am angry with him. I am not. I did not want this to even be a big deal, really. That was, perhaps, silly of me. I realize that there is a chance I will lose my friendship with him because of this. It is probably a pretty solid chance. I feel guilt over having screwed up an eight year or longer friendship. I know that I did not do it all alone.

The funny thing is, I know that if he were to show up with flowers and declare himself to be in love with me, I would reverse my decision in a heart beat. But he is not in love with me. If he is, he certainly isn't going to cut through all the b.s. and tell me...that would make too much sense. I will not wait anymore.

There has to be something less complicated out there. All the reasons why or why not or whereto or wherefore, regarding his emotions toward me. His psychoanalyzing of me...Imagine that, I've had it with thinking, with analyzing...I really just want to LIVE. What I want, versus what is, is really very different. What I want, is simplicity. You know...boy and girl meet, boy and girl like each other, boy and girl make mad passionate love, boy and girl ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after. Too simple? Maybe. But it's better then...Boy and girl meet, boy and girl like each other, boy and girl negotiate making mad passionate love, decide against it because the planets are not aligned, proceed to chart, document and pay attention to the planets, realize this may be a lengthy process, decide to simply be friends and try and ignore hormones and pheramones and attraction and instead try and solve the worlds problems while walking backwards.

I promised myself I would not do this relationship thing if it meant that I would be all twisted up like a pretzel. Guess what I found myself doing?

I just can't do it. It makes me crazy. So I quit. I promised I would call him today, for friendships sake. I so do not want to. He's going to be mad, because he's hurt. But I need to do this and live with the result, irregardless.

This is not like losing a limb, as it was when X decided to leave, but I walk through my day feeling as if I've lost something or am forgetting something...as if there is something I am missing or something I need to do. Things just aren't right. Icky. I do love him. But I want something healthy.