The Deficit

Once Upon A Time

The last time a woman slept with her now ex-husband, she thought it meant some sort of commitment. This was her husband. The father of her children, and in her mind, that in itself carried weight. The sex was bad. But it was intimacy - something that she thought perhaps might help to propel the situation forward positively.

The next morning, while asking questions of him (she had long since mastered the art of asking questions while not offering any sort of opinion, as if she was strictly collecting data), he told her that his feelings for her were not that of a husband toward a wife. That he figured she knew that. "You're a big girl. You can take care of yourself."

In other words, what had occurred between them meant nothing, regardless of their relationship. What he was telling her was that although from his perspective there was NO RELATIONSHIP, it was ok to sleep with her because she was supposed to know that. Married 15 years, several children, in marriage counseling with this person and she was supposed to KNOW that there was no relationship between them.

The 19 Year Old Speaks

This woman remembers very clearly the week she decided to end this non-existent marital relationship.  She could feel change rolling around in her heart, waiting. The day the denial lifted, she passed by herself in the mirror and caught a glimpse. She turned around and went back to the mirror. She had never seen such rage and despair in her eyes before. Years flashed across her mind, memories tumbled out as if she'd tipped over a basket full of pictures. She glared at herself. "You are not 19. You did not need him THEN. You do NOT need him now. STAND UP." If she could have punched the women in the mirror for doing this to her, she would have. She had allowed herself to be used. To be dragged through mud. She had allowed her children to get hurt. This fury, it was the kind that moved mountains. She apologized to the 19-year-old girl in her, for ever doubting that she was good enough. And she made the choice to move on.

She told no one but her attorney and the ex for a while, not even her children. No one else would believe her anyway. But she felt free. Whatever love and commitment she felt for him was released the day when she looked in the mirror. She decided to love herself instead. To commit to herself and her children, instead.

We’re All Grown Up Now, or Are We

This same woman stands in a doorway after arguing for an hour with a man she has been seeing, a friend she has had for years.  She has done something, which has made him question her, although he has known her for years and knows who she is. She was wrong, but her wrongness was not done with the intent to hurt or even to be simply uncaring. Just the opposite - but the scenario went from bad to worse rather quickly and he got hurt.

He looks at her and explains, "That's how come we can't go beyond "friends with benefits" to something more."

Oh. She does not know what to say. She takes this to mean that somehow it is her fault that his feelings for her have not progressed to something beyond...whatever it is he feels.

She goes home. She is not from the generation that gets into the whole "friends with benefits" deal. Even if she was, she'd have no idea what it meant. She'd been married the whole time her friends were dating and figuring out how the world worked. Instead, she looks it up on the internet.

The minutes pass by quietly as she reads. “Sex without commitment”, “Sex without emotional ties”, “Sex strictly to relieve physical need”. She reads a post by a woman who comments that "friends with benies" is actually not possible...because the very definition of friendship was caring and loyalty - strong emotions already involved in a non-sexual relationship.

"My God," she thinks, "What have I done?"  

In her head she hears her ex say, "You are a big girl. You can take care of yourself. You make your own choices."  Was she choosing that? No. Would she ever? No. Had she made that clear? She was pretty sure she had. Was it insulting to have their relationship reduced to that level? Yes. Did it indicate how he felt about her? Yes. Worse yet, would it indicate how she felt about herself if she continued it? Yes.

She pauses for a minute, devastated. This is another long-standing friendship - a male who has been in her life for many, many years. She had felt a kinship with him because their values were so similar. Had felt that kinship for years. Her brain feels like it's splintering. Accepting what WAS, when it was so opposite what she had BELIEVED for so long was difficult. It was like trying to swim with lead boots on.

She knows she cannot judge him. She cannot blame him.  But she is hurt nonetheless.  Once upon a time he declared his love for her.  She cannot make the leap between then and now but she knows absolutely that she must. She never, ever wants her heart taken lightly again.

A week before she had asked a mutual acquaintance how he had presented his relationship with her to others. "Friends for a long time who spend a lot of time together. He doesn't think it'll ever actually progress to anything more serious, though."

And the Deficit Remains…

Recently, he made a statement about the cost of their relationship being less right now then in a year. She wants to tell him to speak for himself.  She chose to trust him at a point when she was more vulnerable than ever. She didn't know it then. She knows it looking back. It is the only explanation for why this hurts this horribly. There were fragile places exposed when she walked into a relationship with him. Fragile places better left covered. What has occurred, instead, is lengthy explanations as to why she is not lovable. Why she is rejectable.

This is her deficit, which she will battle her entire life. That fragile place. She must battle the belief that she is not lovable the "way she is".  A belief handed to her in her childhood and beat into her in her marriage. Her deficit is not about other women or violence or any "other" centered behavior. It is a belief about self.  She cannot be told she is not lovable because she did something that made him question her. She cannot be told she is only worth "friends with benefits". She cannot be told she is not worth talking to in a bar, or so invaluable that she can be pawned off on some other guy, or for that matter so invaluable that he would not care at all if she were to BE with another man. She has heard these things before, with devastating consequences.

This man, he does not do or say these things with the intent to hurt. He does and says these things with the intent to protect himself. It is her deficit that cannot handle these things, which needs reassurance that will never come. She'd like to believe that she could feed this deficit alone...but she knows that is not entirely true. She has actually had conversations with a counselor about this. "Can I be cured?" And the answer..."No. But you can be aware. It's a handicap. You will always battle this. And someday you will meet someone who will love you just as you are, because you are wonderful, and the battle will not rage so brutally."

Aha. This friend who has known her for years...she thought perhaps the battle could quiet because of him. Long-standing history and mutual care and admiration and all. Instead, the messages are the same. "I cannot love you the way you are. I do not love you."