Forgiveness

While picking my son up from my ex-husband yesterday, I realized how full of hate I feel whenever I see him. Using the word "hate" is difficult for me, because I've always tried to view myself as relatively gentle and forgiving. But realistically, I am not. Not about him. Not about the things he's done, the choices he's made and the way they harmed myself and my children.

And really, these feelings are not congruent with the way things are today. Overall, I am happier. I thank God every day for the emotional freedom I feel. I've never lived life without someone breathing down my neck in disaproval. Today I do. Before I married, I was on my way to establishing a life without unhealthy emotional intensity. That changed instantly. Now I find myself on that path, again. My kids are recovering because I am moving forward. I realize, with them, it's "follow the leader" - with me as leader. There is a man I have a rich connection to - on a level I never had with my ex-spouse. I'm working at moving beyond the superficiality which has dominated my life as a coping mechanism.

And yet, when I see my ex, I feel hate. Anger. Fury. Hurt.

To be really honest, I must ask myself if I still love him. Do I? This question seems complicated to me. He's nuts. He lies about everything. He lies about having conversations with my childs teacher and school administrator. He lies about money. He lies about his past. He lies about his present. There is nothing he doesn't lie about. I can't establish a relationship of peace with someone I can't talk to about the most mundane thing without him lying about it in some regard.

Our history is confusing for me. When I look back, I want to remember moments with some sort of bittersweet feeling, but I CAN'T, because I instantly realize that it was never really the way I thought it was. He was unfaithful our entire marriage. Multiple times and I didn't know it. The number probably goes into the double digits, for pete's sake. On top of that, I have the mask of denial off and realize that he was abusive - I stayed in the thing because I was caught in the cycle of accepting responsibility for things that weren't my responsibility. He told me it was half my fault, his family told me it was half my fault. I believed it. Several stiches and a crooked nose later, I realize this is bull-shit.

My youngest daughter, at 13, has the healthiest attitude of any one I know. Because I could not deal with my ex regarding visitation, I had the kids do it. I took myself out of their relationship. She has no tolerance for his garbage. She has no tolerance for manipulation. She sees through his falseness. In her words, "I love him because he's my dad, but he's such a loser." When I asked her what she meant by "loser", she said "He's so stupid. He's so transparent. He's just sooo stupid." I knew what she meant. I came to this conclusion two months ago, myself. I asked her to elaborate and she talked about the way he manipulates conversations to guilt her, to make her feel bad, to get what he wants. She is only briefly angry at him when he does this, and then she lets it go and moves on. She acknowledges that she loves him, thinks he's stupid and a loser and doesn't want to spend a lot of time with him or put up with his garbage.

This wonderful child has been telling me how terrific I am. How she sees changes in me, feels like she can lean on me. Likes the "new Mom". I, personally, think she is just liking the fact that I'm cooking dinner on a regular basis again, so she comes home to her house smelling like a home.

I digress. I'm angry. I hurt. My whole life was a lie. Rationally, I know that it wasn't. The house was real, the kids were real, vacations were real, jobs were real. But my relationship with him, my emotional life, it was all a facade. 15 years of a facade. His infidelity started before I even had my first child. I am furious. I am hurt. I don't know what to do with it. I don't particularly want to waste any more time on this man, but I have no choice if I am to let it go.

Should I put together some momentos and have a burning ceremony? Should I immerse myself in my feelings for a day? Is there some trite way to work through this?

I somehow need to come to terms with this, to find forgiveness in the pain of betrayal. I have to, or I will forever be tied to this man.

I have dealt with the violence head on. But I have ignored the betrayal. Danced around it. Avoided it. He's living with the woman who was the final knife in my back - is involving her in his family (ouch). I can't deal with it. I hate her, too. She said she was my friend, a good friend, but was acutally sleeping with my ex before I even met her. She became my friend so that she could spend time with my then husband. These people are horrible. I am not capable of doing to others what they have done to me. And they move forward so blithely and are amazed at my anger. ??? I am amazed at their amazement.

I don't want to read some self help book which tells me step by step how to release my anger and pain and move to forgiveness. I don't want to sit for another year in a therapists chair. I don't want this garbage to violate my current relationship. I just want it gone, but it won't go away unless I deal with it.

So, the first question - do I still love him? No. Yes. I don't know. I love who I thought he was. I love the husband whom I built a life with, laughed with, felt close to. But I don't love who was revealed to me. I don't love, in retrospect, who he was underneath the surface. I can not reconcile the two and find peace.

I will take it to God. There is no where else to go with it. Give it to him.