Mr. Boyfriend and the Kitchen Sink

Mr. Boyfriend has offered to help me with things around the house on a number of occasions. I'm not sure how he would do this with his wild work and social schedule, but he offers anyway. I rarely take him up on it. Why do I only murmur, "that's ok, I'll figure it out" or "that's ok, I kind of enjoy doing it", when he offers his services? "Figuring it out" often works similar to the kitchen sink. And really, who ENJOYS fixing plumbing, or replacing the oven element, or dealing with roto rooter, or any of the gazillion things that have gone wrong in the last two years?

Why will I accept help from co-workers, fathers of friends, my own father and until my divorce was final, my former father-in-law, but not Mr. boyfriend? This is the million dollar question. The answer is obvious. What if I get dependent on him and he goes away? Do I really EVER want to go through that again? Not particularly. Do I really want to jump through hoops to get stuff fixed or fix it myself? No. Do I enjoy having him around? Yes. Could I get used to it? Yes.

I'm sure if he DOES go away, I'll say "Whew! Good thing I didn't get dependent on him!" But things'll still be broke and I'll still stand in front of sinks hoping for brilliancy.

I enjoy watching myself dealing with being single. Kind of like I'd enjoy watching some bizarre bug wiggle under a microscope. Meaning, this is interesting, but I'd really rather be doing something else.

I don't know how to do something else anymore. Is that true, or do I only know how to do the "couple thing" with my ex (who could apparently do the "couple" thing with a whole variety of people)? Recently I have tried to confront my feelings of awkwardness with Mr. Boyfriend. I gave him a backrub one night and he told me it was the first back rub he'd had in what had to have been a year. During that time he'd had serious back trouble with tremendous pain. I was horrified. No touching for a year?

I have my kids. I can cuddle and hug and kiss them whenever I want. They love it (as long as it isn't in front of their friends). It's not the same, but it kept me from being completely deprived. I'm better at things than I first was. Holding hands, cuddling on the couch. I enjoy these things. At first I marveled that they were occuring. Then, I became distincly uncomfortable with them. Why was he touching me? Uncomfortable is not the same as not liking. I felt awkward. Why?

It had nothing to do with a lack of feelings for him. Nor attraction - that's there in spades. Nor did it have to do with my ex-spouse. He told me two years before our divorce that holding my hand was uncomfortable both emotionally and physically. Effectionate touching between us stopped once he began his last affair and it never returned.

So what is it about it that made me so uncomfortable? I think it's the same as the kitchen sink problem. I don't want to be dependent on him and have it ripped away. I don't want to go through that withdrawal again.

Is this a problem that will fix itself, unlike the kitchen sink? Or should I knock myself about the head with a wrench and see if that helps?