And the Winner Is...

Isn't it funny how just when life seems to settle down and you wonder if perhaps you are getting too complacent, things explode?

In the last several months I have had numerous endings and beginnings. Major things. I have begun the process of seriously healing big wounds. I have made an attempt at a relationship with a man that I have loved as a friend for years, thus far failing to make that a “go”. I was intending to work for him part time (this is how I met him years ago). Well, he ended things between us and fired me. I know, I know, that's illegal. But in this case, probably fair. I hadn't done much for him yet, and if things are really over, the only way for him to do that is to have no contact with me at all. Because I'm a pain in the ass. I will poke and prod until I have things out in the open and then the whole thing would start over again. In reality, eventually he would do the same thing, if I didn't. We're both pains in the ass. Which is how come we got along so well and collided so often. We can't have that, now can we? I guess not.

I'm in shock a little at this particular development. But it'll pass. It has to, because life just exploded again.

My ex, against whom I have a restraining order containing two years worth of garbage all documented and waiting (but not filed, this, too is similar to the Kitchen Sink), has decided to drag me into court for mediation. He now wants to force me to talk to him. I'm sure this is his mother’s idea. This is going to cost me money. I'm ticked. I haven't, of course, heard back from my attorney. Why can this man not let this end? My immediate response is to get the restraining order filed ASAP. Or perhaps see where mediation leads. He's going to bury himself - he's so damn delusional. I might sound like a exaggerating ex-wife. Talk to my daughter and one realizes I am not. I will cope and deal with this. I have had enough of being pushed around by him.

And then...of course...I woke up this morning and realized that I've been fired and thus probably should get my butt in gear. I formally begin another job sometime this week - as soon as they discover that my urine is drug free, anyway. But that's just a part time gig to make sure there is income as I get myself going.

I am a Real Estate Appraiser by trade, or skill, or training, or nature.... or something. I learned to hate my job because of the work environment and the lack of control it gave me at home. This morning, I woke up missing appraising. This is the first time since I quit that I have missed my vocation. I took this as a positive sign. My area of specific, um, expertise (snicker) is Commercial Appraising and I am not certified to do this on my own yet. Today, I went bonkers and found myself overwhelmed with wonderful training propositions, an interview and even some appraisal work.

So, to recap, in the past week: Mr. Boyfriend breaks up with me, and thus I am fired. I become an independent appraiser although I am not even a certified appraiser yet. I land an interview for a job, which although mysterious, sounds interesting and challenging. The crazy ex decides he's going to force me to interact with him via the court system.

Ah, and don't forget that I somehow managed to have adopted a home church. Began study with my pastors wife on a weekly basis and I volunteered to help with anything my pastor/friend might need help with, since I seemed to have excess time.

This is the funny part and worth some elaboration. This pastor, he knows my history. The project he gave me? Revamping the church's wedding brochure. I have to pretend I'm planning my wedding and call all over the city to compare and contrast the church's fee's, restrictions, etc.

My divorce was final two months ago. My pastor/counselor/friend is twisted. I'm sure he thinks this will be good for me although I'm really not sure what therapeutic outcome he's hoping for. It doesn't bother me as much as I just think it's funny. But then, for those that have not read previous posts, lots of things have been striking me as hysterically funny lately, not all of them at appropriate times, nor do all of them reveal me as a particularly sensitive person.

AND THE BEST PART IS...No matter how crazy life seems to be, no matter how insensitive and inappropriate I am; I am at the helm. I do not have to ask permission of anybody for anything pertaining to how I run my life. I do not have to see what they would prefer in terms of pay, or time schedules or commitments. I don't have to ask what they think regarding my future prospects or what our family goals are or how my choices might impact them. I don't have to look for approval or disapproval. I get to simply choose my path and move forward based on what I want, whether that want is time for my children, a brilliant career, or to pursue the illusive dream all working women seem to have.... having it all. Finally, for the first time in my life, it's my choice.

And the bizarre thing.... I keep waiting for someone to catch me breaking the rules and living my life incorrectly.

Oh, dear. Mr. Boyfriend did that for me. Disapproved. Pointed out flaws. And therein lies the source of the conflict? Mr. Boyfriend SHOULD go away then, shouldn't he??

Or, I pose to you, those that have managed to read to the end, this question: Would I subconsciously create scenarios, even relatively harmless scenarios, that I know will drive him to distraction to get my “fix” of disapproval? Am I using him as the means to hold me down?

Four letter words abound in my head!!!