Crossroads or the Road to Hell?

Mr. Boyfriend and I are at a critical moment. I am at a crossroads. I have to pick up the phone and call him and I'm dragging my feet.

We have to address fear and I don't want to. I don't particularly want to make myself that vulnerable. Isn't it enough that I do that with God? Apparently not.

Over the last few weeks my sense of humor has reimerged. Unfortunetely it emerged in the midst of a disagreement. I started laughing and couldn't stop. The argument was just so stupid and unneccesary. The same thing could have been accomplished in a paragraph of dialogue. Instead, any argument we've ever had with a cheating signifigant other was repeated. It struck me as funny. Really funny. We both have the lines of the argument memorized - both sides. Why even bother? Neither one of us is cheating or unfaithful.

I laughed till I went to sleep and I started laughing again when I woke up. This did not bode well with Mr. Boyfriend. I don't blame him - there has been no time for an explanation. I look, and probably am, very insensitive. I literally had to put my head in a pillow because I was laughing so hard.

This will probably happen again if the argument repeats itself. I just can't seem to do it with a straight face. Gee, there's one way to change the dynamics of a relationship, eh?

During a conversation with a friend I insisted that I couldn't call Mr. Boyfriend because he didn't want to talk to me. He asked how I knew this. I told him that Mr. Boyfriend told me this last time he called. He said, "So he told you that he didn't want to talk to you when he called to talk to you?"

Well, when you put it like that.

These games are so incredibly stupid. Mr. Boyfriend told me I am unable to talk through anything. Well, when I'm laughing, no. But I have to consider this statement because there might be some truth to it.

I'm a chatty person. I talk too much. Yet I can't talk through things? Probably not. Over the last year or two of my marriage, I learned to shut up. I NEVER talked about how I felt. I played things very close to the vest. I worked demons out within a journal and let the rest go unsaid. You do not give the devil your emotions to play with. You give no amunition for manipulation. You do not discuss your plans, your feelings, your thoughts, your dreams. I was totally alone, shut up inside myself. I learned to live that way. And now I am having to undo it.

I love this man, I do. He is first and foremost a friend. He has his own garbage, similar to mine. We understand each other. Together we will either be the most phenomenal thing or an absolute disaster.

Thus the crossroads...

It is two days later than when I began this post. I have tried communicating with Mr. Boyfriend through a number of mediums. He refuses to respond. He says that we are "over". I guess the crossroads has been traversed and we are now an absolute disaster.