Betrayal

When I was in High school, I betrayed one of my best friends. I’m not going to give the specifics (to protect the innocent) – use your imagination – just about anything will do. This friend never yelled at me. Never cursed me. Never did anything to harm me. She had every right to hate me. I learned later that she spent a number of moments crying with another friend in hurt and pain. I never saw it.

This weekend I learned that a longstanding friend of mine betrayed me. I was furious with him. I was hurt. I asked for the truth and he gave it to me. I saw him hurt. I was in shock, in pain and overwhelmed with confusion. This was someone I cared about, someone I thought would always be honest with me. He wasn’t. I left his house, swearing that I would never talk to him again. Who needed a worthless friend like that?

On Sunday morning, I went to Church. Of course, this had to be the morning Amazing Grace was on the song line-up. My mind went back to High School.

I don’t think my friend from High School has any idea the impact she had on me. We are still friends. I had dinner with her not too long ago. There are not many people I keep in contact from High School – she is a rarity, in more than one way. She gave me grace. She loved me. She was a true friend. I know that what I did impacted her in a number of ways – some perhaps she still grapples with today – that’s a guess, because I really do not know.

I know that my betrayal of her impacted me tremendously. It hurt. I had to face her and others with what I had done, secrets I had kept. It hurt to know I had hurt her. I cried many, many tears.

I stood in Church yesterday and realized that the way in which she had handled our friendship was how I wanted to behave. What really mattered to me? Knowing this person or my own hurt? Who was hurting more? It’s a toss up – I know that because I know how much I hurt when I caused her pain.

I left Church (just as they were playing my wedding song – I decided that was a good time to leave) early and went to his house. I did not go alone. I know that. Christ was next to me. My friend was not happy to see me. I suppose he figured I was there to rake him over the coals again. This friend has done much for me over the years, while I was in crisis with the Ex. I hit a point where I did not want to live. I sat in my car with the engine on and the garage doors shut. He is the one person in the world that answered the phone when I called. He told me to shut the car off. He was there in five minutes. He sat with me in the middle of the night, when I was absolutely desolate.

So I sat down in his living room and told him things I had been keeping from him. Things I never wanted to talk about. Things I was ashamed of that I have told no one. I shared myself with him. I told him that all I really wanted to know was who he was. I was his friend and that would stand, no matter what. Just as my friend from High School did. He has thanked me a million times. He is amazed at God’s grace and my friendship. The transformation in him in the last couple of days has been incredible. A humungous weight has been lifted from his shoulders.

I know that I handled my friendship with him correctly and with honor. I looked myself in the eyes before I went to his house Sunday morning and I liked whom I saw. But I struggle with his dishonesty. I’d like to think that it would never happen again, but that’s impossible to know. I never did anything like that again – I learned my lesson. He tends to function much like I do. But then, I hear my pastor/counselor/friend tell me my biggest flaw “You believe everyone is just like you. They aren’t.” No, they aren’t.

My ex-husband cheated on me repeatedly. I forgave him once. He knew the second time was not something I would have been able to get beyond. He was correct. I would have tried, but I know I would have failed.

My heart is heavy with grief. I need to go to God with it. This betrayal has brought back many feelings for me, which are painful. I am dealing with more than just this friend’s betrayal: suddenly I’m dealing with a marriage full of lies, too. What I am feeling is confusion. If I feel rejection, I’m not sure which situation I am reeling more from.

I am happy that my friend and I are able to talk. To be friends again. He says he is very humbled by my actions and words. Oddly, I am humbled by the fact that he feels that way. I know I am no better than he is. We are all in the same boat. Eventually, I will screw up. I will hurt someone I care about. I hope someone gives me grace, too.

My friend, I hope you realize what you did for me when you did not condemn me. You have helped to keep my heart soft. Showed me what love and friendship are. It is 18 years later and I still have not forgotten it. I never will. I am old enough now to know that I can’t go charging into situations that might harm me. But I will never be too old to know that forgiveness and friendship should stand first, if at all possible.