Jealousy

Mr. Boyfriend and I have been having trouble again. He is intensely jealous of any other male in my life. We are talking extremes. It’s been ongoing and frankly, the source of most of our conflicts for the last year.

I have broken things off with him. I still love the man. I did not still love the ex when I divorced him. This is difficult. We may work through it, Mr. Boyfriend and I, but I don’t quite know how we can. I am not unfaithful and to be accused of it because of women who have cheated on him previously does not seem fair to me.

There’s more then just that. There are other things. This situation has been going on for about a week now. This morning I called and checked out. So he’s mad – and because he is tremendously insecure, he assumes I have dumped him for another man.

(Sigh.)

I am not afraid to be alone. I spent three years basically alone, with the ex popping in and out every other weekend, when he felt like it. I can handle being alone. I can amuse myself. I have hobbies like gardening and auctions. I have work. I have kids. I have friendships to foster (see previous post).

It’s this love thing I’m having trouble with.

I’m sad. I’ve been sad before, right? I had plotted out a course, envisioned a life, imagined growing old with someone before, right?

But this is a good man.

I can’t handle the ongoing conflicts anymore. I need peace. My neck hurts. My intestines are spasming because I’m not hungry and not eating properly. Food tastes like sawdust.

Then, you know, I miss him. But I don’t want to be chewed out anymore. I don’t want to be wrong anymore. I don’t want the hurt anymore. I just want peace.

The problem is this:  I just want peace with HIM.

I don’t see how I will ever have it. I have actually hit a point where I don’t think he likes me very much. He keeps a checklist of things I’ve done wrong and reminds me when he gets mad.

The Brother Speaks

My bro, bless his heart, had advice for me. “Put a stamp on that one and send it away.” This would be why I missed him. He met Mr. Boyfriend once and thought he was an incredibly nice guy. But all I had to do was say half a sentence “…a problem with other men…” and then I got the “stamp” advice.  And the reason? The reason he knew? “Been there, done that.” Internally I was rolling my eyes. More pity-party from my brother. But, wait…no, listen…HE was the insanely jealous creep. I witnessed this on a number of occasions – even at one time told him in no uncertain terms he was being a really big putz. ‘Course, the sister-in-law was placating him, so the vicious cycle just kept going. There in lies his advice. It won’t get better as long as I allow it.  It was really rather freaky. I did not have to say much, be very descriptive, comment much on my relationship or anything. My brother just started talking about the things he used to do and say to all three of his former wives. They are things that I have heard a great deal of – out of Mr. Boyfriend’s mouth. The brother? He had lots of sympathy for Mr. Boyfriend. He said, “It’s a HORRIBLE way to live.”

And then…”You see, Kim, he doesn’t believe that you really love him. He doesn’t really know who you are, either, because if he did, he wouldn’t feel that way, because you aren’t going to cheat on him. But he can’t see you because all he can see is his own insecurity.  And it’s just going to get worse. He needs to realize that he’s worth loving. He needs to realize that although life has taught him that woman cheat, it doesn’t make it true for everyone, nor does it mean he is not worthy. And he’d better figure it out quick, because I KNOW you, you won’t tolerate it very long. It becomes controlling (to which he gave me examples of more sick and twisted things he did) and you‘ll see red flags a mile away because of what you’ve been through in that area.”

At which point I realized I already was.  The last tirade was in response to me wanting some feelings of my own addressed. It felt punishing. Punishing??? RED FLAG. I said I needed to get off the phone, I was upset and wanted to go? Threatening rumbles about what would happen if I did that.  RED FLAG. (I hung up anyway. That’s the beauty of the phone. You can walk away real fast. Take this from a formerly abused wife. Phone = safe.)

He even suggested perhaps Mr. Boyfriend had driven women to cheat, by sending them looking for comfort elsewhere. I have thought this, but never said it. I still think it’s a terribly mean thing to say. Or think. Well, if the Ex couldn’t beat me into falling in love with someone else, I don’t suppose Mr. Boyfriend can argue me into it.

But I can leave. I can do that. I absolutely adore this man. That’s what’s killing me. We have the same values. Very similar belief system. We like the same music (mostly). We get each other’s jokes. He is the first man I ever felt physically safe with. He’s funny and sweet and smart and absolutely flips my switch physically.

I just love him to bits.

I was reading about jealousy in a book about love. It talks about jealousy and anger stemming from feelings of rejection – Cain and Abel are the example given. No, I’m sorry, no Bible story tonight – but it did a good job of laying out a case for rejection being a primary source of those things.

So Where’s Mine?

So where is my anger? The bonehead ex says he cheated on me with seven different people. He was violent and mean and extremely manipulative. He seriously messed with my head. Where is my anger?  When he crosses lines with me now, I get mad – about everything.  I don’t say anything to him. I go home and I rage and I pray and I listen to music and eventually it goes away – I am no longer with him. I am healing. Nobody hurts me anymore. I am happier.

Well, he rejected me. He had a number of affairs.  Why do I not feel mad? Where’s my anger? I just feel disgust. I feel like he’s a halfwit. I was embarrassed more than anything. My husband cheated on me. If it comes up in conversation now, it’s cause someone else brings it up. I don’t think about it. I don’t really focus on it. I’m more liable to giggle at the stupidity than feel suspicious of someone else.

Maybe I’m just too busy being grateful I won’t have any more stitches!!  Probably. Yep, I think that’s it.

So, although I sympathize with Mr. Boyfriend because I know what the uncertainty, the hurt, the betrayal and the agony of a cheating significant other is like, I can’t understand living there. Staying there. What my brother was telling me is that it isn’t something Mr. Boyfriend is choosing. And it’s terrible. I imagine it absolutely eats him up inside.

That really bothers me. I hate for him to be in pain. My inclination is try and fix it. OK, I won’t hang with that person alone ever. Ok, I won’t go out with THAT friend dancing because she’s having marriage problems and therefore looking for trouble.  OK, I won’t converse with the guy who is attempting to date my bro’s soon to be ex. I will protect our relationship. It isn’t working. All he did is step it up, the requirements. I suspect it will be ongoing and never-ending. I will never get it right – I STILL will never cheat, but I will pay for all the women who have, twenty-fold.

No. I don’t pay for other people’s mistakes anymore. The ex – he’d screw around on me and then come home and go into a violent rage. He screwed up – I payed. Some chick was unfaithful – I pay. No. I can pay, to a point, because Mr. Boyfriend is my FRIEND and I want to be there for him, be supportive, love him, make him feel secure. But I can’t go on arguing about it anymore. I can’t be punished for what others did. My life is not about punishment anymore. It’s about joy.

So maybe, without me, Mr. Boyfriend can deal with his garbage and not be in pain when I talk to the mailman for longer then he feels is necessary.  I’m being sarcastic, really.  But I worry that it’ll progress to that point. It did for my brother.

I can’t live like that. I need peace.

Again, the problem: I want peace with him.

(Fade to The Rolling Stones…”You can’t always get what you want…”