An Introduction

For purposes of introductions I will describe myself. Not physically, as that is irrelevant. But where I have been up until this moment. There are things I must discuss, questions I must ask, which will make no sense without this information.

I spent the last 16 years with an abusive man. I've had stitches, been punched in the stomach while pregnant and had my head put through a window. This man (now my ex-husband), was unfaithful repeatedly (although I only knew about the first and the last). My marriage was a complete and utter failure. As women who have been in abusive marriages know, I tried very hard to project an image of it NOT being a failure. I worked hard at controlling things. I'll leave this there, as it is ground I have been over and over with myself and there are other things to confront.

This marriage is over. This man is gone. I have three children. I have not been a career woman. I worked part time - dabbled, in this and that- and now find myself torn between earning money and raising my children. This is really who I am right now, at my core. A mother. I was a wife - that role is gone. So now I am simply a mother. I hear my ex-husbands voice in my head; valuing me based on how much money I earn and feel like a failure. I see my son's eyes when I say I can't volunteer at his school because I must work and I feel like a failure. I am trying to find a way to balance this. I WILL find a way to balance this. I must be true to what I am at heart, or all else will fail miserably. This is what I believe. I want to chuck my job and work from home, doing a number of part time jobs while I complete the training I have worked at. I don't want to punch a clock or apologize for my children being sick. I want to be there when my kids get home from school. I want to feel in control of my life. I want my kids to have the sense that their mother is at the helm and competent. I want to eliminate my ex's voice in my head.

That is one struggle.

The next is closely tied to the fact that I was married at 20 and had children at 20, 22 and 25. And then, of course, remained in a relationship where conflict was never a good thing.

I don't know who I am (entirely). Or rather, I am not cognizant of who I am.

Am I pro-choice or pro-life? A liberal or a conservative? A feminist? These are all questions that I have asked myself - and found answers - as a result of a recent relationship. Why did I not know these things? Is it important that I have a stand on major issues? If I don't, what does that say about me? That I've been living with my head in the sand? I think so. But how else does one survive what I have? Taking life by the reins is a scary thing. Wonderful, but scary. As I move along I will develop answers to questions most people my age answered years ago. I have epiphanies on a regular basis. It's exhausting at times.

And I realize things at the most awkward of moments. In the midst of an argument, I realized, finally, at 35, that arguing really flips my trigger. Turns me on. With my significant other, anyway. I could, literally, pause in the middle of an argument and make mad, passionate love and think it was fantastic. Is this dysfunctional? One might think so.

Having been where I've been, I say no. That was never part of my previous relationship. In fact, I was more likely to flinch if approached physically during an argument than anything else. It's a matter of trust. But I discovered, and I'll leave this man anonymous, that in the midst of a rip-roaring argument, that I want to jump him. He, of course, does not feel this way. I am turning this around in my head. Who am I as a woman, sexually? I'm not promiscuous. I can't run out and have a one-night stand. Can't sleep with someone without emotions and commitment. I am shocked, given my history, to find that I respond this way to fighting. I had buried this part of myself. Worse yet, I think it's funny - and ironic - considering how I lived for so many years. I have accepted this about myself, without finding fault or need to change. Instantly. I need a man that can respond this way, too. Perhaps in this situation it's because I know that I love this person, regardless of differences. I know that when the argument is over, my feelings will still be there; probably stronger for having struggled through whatever the issue is on our plate. Maybe it's because emotions are so heightened during an argument. Maybe it's because I love it when he gets all passionate about a subject. All of those things.

Whatever the reason, I think it's an oddity I will have to take into consideration from here on out.

Deciding what is an acceptable way of handling conflict is partly what I am doing. Not intentionally, of course. I'm a baby learning to crawl. Entire areas of my life, my personality, have been at a standstill and are now swiftly moving. I am determined to get what I need and accept nothing less. Negotiate, yes. But not settle. So I respond to arguing by getting turned on? A lot of people must; you see it on TV, in movies. I must not be that big of an anomaly. Having been seriously shamed in the past, I find it liberating to shrug and say to myself, "So what?" Finding some one that can match that side of me without crossing boundaries will be difficult. I know this. But it is nice, in the midst of my life, to know that I can be passionate. I have not felt that for many years. The man that can accept this (and I know this sounds like a romance novel, but again, baby learning to crawl, here) and love me not despite it, but partly because of it, will learn things about me that no one else will. It's nice to know part of the key to my personality. I am relieved to know I'm not completely passive. I'm delighted to know I can respond to a charged situation with passion and the ability to "let go". Many, many moons ago I was the same way.

I have recovered a piece of myself. Again. What a beautiful thing.